Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Backstory continued

He'd come home that Saturday in February and I was about to leave to go shopping. He walked right by me and didn't say anything. He looked tired. He looked sad. God told me, go to him. But I didn't. I got upset because he hadn't talked to me. I left to go shopping. While waiting for our son in the game store I called him and asked him why he didn't speak to me when he came home. I was angry about that. I said we'd talk later and finished shopping. Later, our son and I stopped for a sandwich at Subway. I didn't get my husband one. I told my son, if he can't speak to me why should I get him a sandwich? On the way home we passed him driving up the road. I called him. He was going to his mother's home. He'd be back the next day. I felt my heart sink. I asked him to come home. He started crying and said no, he couldn't come home. He told me that night he wanted a divorce.

I hate recounting this story because I hate myself in this situation. I don't like the person I was. If I'd been watching a character in a movie or reading about this person in a book I would have hated her immediately. Well, no wonder her husband left her. She doesn't support him, she doesn't care about him. I felt as if I deserved the hurt and pain because of my disobedience to God.

He moved out at the end of February and into a small apartment closer to his job. I stayed in the rental house we'd moved to the year previously. Finances were very tight. I applied for food stamps. I joined a Divorce Care support group and the sponsoring church paid my rent one month. My home church paid the electric bill for two months. I upped my hours at my part-time job and began looking for a full time job with benefits. I had no choice but to ask for help and turn to the one thing that was constant and true - my faith in God. Although I felt completely undeserving of any type of forgiveness, from God or man, I knew that He was who I needed to turn to. It was too late to stop my marriage from ending, but I could learn from what I had done. I could be a better person in the future.

In my searching, in my desire for forgiveness and healing, God has put many things in my path over the past eight months. And now I truly believe that I can live the life that I want to live.

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