Thursday, October 6, 2011

Backstory - Journey Begins

I've shared how I started out with discovering self forgiveness through the book The Love Dare. I also was reading my Bible. Psalms is where everyone needs to go when their world turns upside down. I was
praying constantly, journaling, looking for full time work. But little by little that despair began to dissipate.

It didn't go away overnight. No, there were still crying jags, there were still 3am phone calls to my mom. But as I started to think about how to rebuild my life there were times I knew something was happening. It all started with forgiving myself. Then I reached out to those I had hurt. I apologized where appropriate. I prayed for a lot of things.  Some things I probably shouldn't have prayed for, but when you are moving up and down the emotional scale from despair to anger you pray for some things out of anger. But I know that God knew my heart. And he continued to speak to me during this time.

This was also a time of turmoil for our teenage son. Every time I would see my ex husband or speak to him on the phone I would start crying. I was also dumping frustration, fear and anger on my son. So he told me in April that he was going to spend the summer with my family instead of staying with me. I can't say I blamed him. He needed the break from me and his dad. He left in April to stay with my family an hour and a half away.

During this time my ex and I were talking. The talks were sometimes good, sometimes bad. Even if not a fight, just spending time together was difficult. We had made plans to see certain movies together and it felt just wrong to see them apart. We had always done things as a family. And, yes, there was still a physical aspect to our relationship. But it hurt too much each time we saw each other. I know it hurt me a lot. It felt as though my heart were breaking every time we saw each other, every time I visited his apartment, every time we would do something and then go our separate ways. But every time I did that I believe I did get a little stronger. I was experiencing what LOA teachers call contrast. I was learning what I didn't want and it helped me clarify what I did want.

I did have to stop reading The Love Dare. It got to the point where it hurt too much to continue and I wasn't able to do all the exercises. But I did continue making amends where appropriate and I wanted to think more positively. I wanted to put my energy into something for me, something to help me continue to grow and change. I wanted to be a better person, not because I thought it would help me win back my husband, but because I knew I didn't want to be the woman I'd been for so many years.

I was feeling differently than I'd felt in the past. I had always said that if my husband left me, if we divorced, that I didn't believe I could make it. It would hurt too much. Well, it did hurt. But I was surviving. Not only surviving, but making it through. And if I could survive the loss of a 20 year marriage, what was there to be afraid of? So I continued my learning and growing, reading After the Locusts and Why You Do the Things You Do, sent to me by a friend who'd also gone through a divorce some years back.

Then I decided to finally read Think and Grow Rich. I'd had a copy of the ebook for a while as well as a hard copy of various essays written by Napoleon Hill and his partner, W. Clement Stone. It was also during this time that LOA entered my life, although I had no idea there was a name for it. Some call it the Universe or a Higher Power. But I knew it was God answering my prayers. I believe that this is how God works in my life, in all our lives. He works through the Law of Attraction.

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