Saturday, September 8, 2012

Allowing Myself to be Me, Loving Myself Unconditionally

I'm going to be honest. I haven't dealt with my diagnosis well. I've cried about this, prayed with my husband over this. I cried about the loss of hope I felt in the belief that if I was really, really good with diet / exercise and reached my goal weight that MAYBE I would have great looking legs. I'd be able to wear boots and skirts and cute clothes and not be hot in the summer because I'm in jeans when everyone else is in shorts and capris. But today I'm angry. I'm fed up. And I'm free of the hate. My legs are my legs. I'm going to do my part to keep losing weight, but the hate for my legs, the envy I've had of other women who don't have this issue, the embarrassment I've felt over my legs, that's done. I refuse to believe that there isn't a cure for this. I wanted answers -- I got answers. But I don't have to believe the research that's available. There's actually very little research out there, since U.S. doctors have very little data on lipedema. So why should I believe there's no cure, or that I'm going to end up with little mobility as I age? I'm not going to believe it, because my body knows how to cure itself. My body was made perfectly, and it knows what to do. And I don't give a crap what anyone says or thinks about my legs anymore. Now, I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to buy short shorts and flaunt everything. But from this point forward I am going to be comfortable. I'm going to buy some wide legged capris, maybe even splurge on some linen slacks, buy some cute sandals, give myself a pedicure, and I'm going to be comfortable, dang it! I'm going to love my legs. I'm going to pamper them, use my good smelling lotion from Victoria's Secret, keep them shaved and smooth (yes, even in winter, ladies!) give myself a pedicure and paint my nails, use my good body wash. I'm going to love these legs and ask them to forgive me for the 20 years of hate I've felt for them. At this moment in time, I have my health. I have mobility. I am able to exercise, to walk, to run (a little, at least) and go and do and enjoy life. So I'm going to appreciate these legs for as long as they can hold me up. If I truly believe what I've said in the past about taking 100 percent responsibility for my life -- good and bad -- then that means that I have to take 100 percent responsibility for this body. My responsibility for this body is to care for it, love it unconditionally, even though it's only a temporary shell. I CHOSE this body, so I am choosing to care for this body from this moment forward. The Bible says my body is a temple, and I am going to treat it as such. Because I am beautiful, dang it, and I deserve to be healthy and well and whole -- legs and all.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

You are So Beautiful

My husband and I left the pharmacy after picking up my medication,trying to deal with my diagnosis and what may / may not happen in the future. Just as we were leaving the store, this song began to play:

I couldn't keep it in any longer. By the time we reached his truck, I was in tears.

God is good. God is good all the time.