What I got from Four Hour Work Week

The book was interesting and it did lead me to clarify some things about my life. It made me think about my time and what I'm good at, what I'd rather be doing. I don't think I'm going to get a VA from India, as that goes against my values. If I were to hire an assistant, which I most likely will do when I become a successful author, I will hire someone from the US, either a VA or a local person to work with directly.

But I have decided on a few things based on the book. Again, I have to remind myself it's not action that matters. It's how I feel about things.

First, I know it's time to stop my evening transcription service. I want to spend that time on my writing, time with my family and other interests. That feels right.

I also want to see what can be automated more so that I don't have to feel like I'm doing everything. Some ideas were:

Maid service twice a month. Look into cost and see about fitting into budget.
Setting up everything on automatic bill pay.
Taking turns with family members on making meals.
Preparing work clothes ahead of time. For example, hang up a week's
worth of outfits, with some options for weather available, in the
closet, ready to go. Have accessories and everything else needed on
hand as well.
Limit time spent on things like television, Facebook, etc.
Go to bed / get up earlier.
Leave 10 minutes earlier than needed for appointments.

While the book's main purpose seems to be to lead people to finding a way to earn money without a traditional job and travel all over the world, that is not a primary goal for me, although I do want to travel. My ultimate goal is to live a wonderful, beautiful, abundant and creative life. And I know that being able to cut some of the day to day stuff from my life will free me up to follow creative pursuits and spend time with people I love. And that feels right to me.

Choosing to Love

By now I've been remarried to my sweetheart for a week. And I am reminded daily of how much I am blessed, of how much I came close to losing.

I don't want to focus on the bad. I don't want to focus on who did what to whom or who was hurt more. There is no room in my life for blame anymore. All I can do is accept responsibility for myself. All I can do is keep my ears open for God's words and His leading. All I can do is be a better person, a better wife, a better mother. All I can do is my best.

So once again I will write out a list of things I am thankful for. I will always be thankful for my family. I will never take my husband or son for granted. I am thankful my parents are still living. I am thankful for my grandparents. I am thankful for the people that stood beside us and believed that love could overcome anything. And I am happy. I am very, very happy that God used this time in my life to show me that I don't need to be afraid. There is nothing to be afraid of because he is there, and no matter what happens in my life, he will be there. He will never leave me, he will never let me down. He is there, and no matter what, it will be okay.

Set aside a certain number of days, during which you shall be content with the scantiest and cheapest fare, with course and rough dress, saying to yourself the while: "Is this the condition that I feared?" -- Seneca

I have been through that dark time, when I thought all was lost. When my world crashed, when I felt no one could ever love me, when I couldn't love myself. And God brought me through. And he showed me there was nothing to fear. And as he helped me learn to love myself, as he showed me that He loved me and always would, that was how I was finally able to love another. And that is what I will do.

I choose to love.

How do I feel?

As I said I'm reading the 4 Hour Work Week. And I'm feeling excited and happy and positive, but I'm also feeling scared. And whenever I feel like this I know I need to back off a little bit. I'm trying to do things differently. And one thing that all LOA people / deliberate creators need to think about is this:

How do I feel.

It's feelings that go along with our creation. Our actions don't really matter. It's the feelings attached to the actions.

So I feel I need to slow down. I don't want to go full steam ahead and spend money and start the whole cycle that was a big part of ruining my marriage up again.

I like that the book is giving rules when it comes to our "muse", which Tim Ferriss calls a business. So I'm going to take the rules to heart and slow down. Nothing says I have to start right now. I also don't need to take my eye off my goal - to be a successful writer. Or my even bigger goal - to live a wonderful, beautiful,
creative life. One that I already feel I am living, even in the context of working at an entry level assistant position at 40 years old. So why change anything?

Because I don't want to work at an entry level assistant position for the next 27 years before I can retire. A big part of my wonderful, beautiful creative life includes having an income that I don't have to be concerned about.

So I'll finish the book. I'll do the research. I'll slow down. And I'll use prayer and faith and LOA to warn me if I'm heading too far off the path.

Moving up the emotional ladder - feel better

So when you're frustrated, angry, embarrassed, upset or any other number of negative emotions, what can you do in order to get the right energy flowing again?

It's not possible to jump from despair to joy, although I did jump up a lot the night I watched the Secret and made my gratitude list.

Here is Abraham Hicks' list of emotions from the book, Ask and It Is Given. You want to try to be at the top of the list as much as possible.

1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness

So right now I'm at about a 10, dealing with issues with a water leak and no one coming to fix it today, trying to get over bronchitis and still having a chronic cough, and I was embarrassed at the hair salon today due to the previously mentioned coughing which caused another embarrassing personal issue. So now I'm feeling frustrated that we have no water, no one came to fix the water as we were told they would, I'm still feeling sick despite taking medicine for a week and two trips to Urgent Care, and I'm feeling embarrassed because of what happened at the salon as well as thinking my new hair color looks silly on me. So how can I feel better?

I have named my feelings. Frustration, embarrassment, feeling silly. I name them and accept them. You should always accept your feelings and admit you have them. You will have feelings, good and bad. So don't be scared of negative emotions during your LOA journey. Accepting them will help you release them sooner.

Then I talk it out. I like to talk it out with God. It's nice to be alone in a car or in your house so no one thinks you're strange. If appropriate, I talk it out with my sweetheart or a friend. But I don't really want them to fix anything or join in a pity party or even do the one up game (You think you had a bad day? Let me tell you about mine!) So I like to talk things up with someone who will listen, let me vent, then say, "Let's watch a funny movie," or "Let's eat some ice cream," and not bring it up again.

So during my little talk with God, the following comes to me about each situation. We're working with the water issues and there's nothing that can be done any further at this point. We have water in plastic tubs, we have some clean dishes and laundry. Most likely we'll turn water on tomorrow to take a hot shower, then turn it off again. But I'm sure the leak will be fixed by Monday. So I'm allowing that I'm irritated, I've done what I can, so there's nothing else to worry about concerning the water.

The Urgent Care doctor said I was getting better, the meds are helping, my lungs are just inflamed from the coughing. So I just need to keep taking my cough medicine, do what I can to control the coughing, and stop thinking about it and giving it energy.

Just before I had the coughing fit at the hair salon, I'd just been thinking how much better I felt, how I hadn't been coughing that much, how much fun I was having there, getting my hair shampooed, cut and colored. Then the attack came, and the more I tried to stop it the worse it got. I coughed for maybe five minutes right in the middle of a busy salon.

So what? That's what I'm say. I will go back there but since it will most likely be about one or two months from now I doubt he'll really remember me. And the people that were there - I'll never see them again, they'll never see me again. So while it was embarrassing in the moment, there's no reason to hold on to that feeling. So I am releasing that feeling and remembering the good feelings. There is nothing like someone else shampooing your hair. Or the feeling of treating yourself. And remember - all money put into circulation is coming back to us tenfold, so don't worry about that. And I supported a local business, not a chain store.

And as far as feeling like the color looks silly, well, I'm sure that's being overshadowed by my feelings of embarrassment. My sweetheart likes it. And I'm sure after a few days it will grow on me and I won't feel that way. It's always difficult when you change something like hair color, especially when you make a dramatic change - I went from brown to blond. And if I don't like it after a while, well, hair grows and color can be changed.



So at this point I am saying what feels better? What feels good to do?

What felt better to me was eating some dinner with my sweetie, where he complimented my hair. I'm getting a Mary Kay makeover done tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. We're going to get our bedroom and living room organized tonight while watching a DVD, so that feels good.

So I'm going to do what feels good, release the other stuff, and get back in alignment. If it comes up again, I'll turn my mental train around, say "So what?" and move on to the next feel good thing.

I hope this can help you do the same.

4 Hour Work Week

I'm reading this book now and wow - the first exercise is scary. Scary when I look at the income needed, but he also makes you think. If not now, when?

Now I don't plan to quit my job in the next year, but he makes me think. And so now I have four things that I am going to work toward. A couple don't cost any money at all. Some costs money. But again - if not now, when?

So by the time you read this, I'll be setting money aside for a flat panel TV, working on getting two more short stories ready to submit to an e-publisher, setting money aside for an RV vacation (or possible full time or part time lifestyle) and making reservations at a fancy downtown restaurant for me and my husband for our *new* wedding anniversary.

Here's to experiencing life.

Gratitude changes attitude

I remember this very, very well. It was a Thursday night and I'd had a pretty bad day at work. How bad can a day go when you've only had a job for about three weeks? It was pretty bad. I was stressed, I hated that I had to go back the next day. I was alone in my house having a pity party.

That was the day I decided I wanted to read The Secret and see if I could find the DVD on Netflix to rent. I'd finished Think and Grow Rich and another positive thinking book. I was thrilled to find that The Secret movie was streaming on Netflix. So I made supper and sat down to watch while folding laundry.

The movie blew me away, seriously. I started taking notes. Then it got to the part about gratitude. How we needed to have gratitude in our lives, how we needed to be thankful for everything in our lives. And that was a major wake up call to me. I realized the language I'd already started using - Thank God tomorrow is Friday. I wish I didn't have to go back to work. I can't wait for the weekend. All of the negative language was there and it wasn't making my job very pleasant. And I realized - it's not work. It's not the job. It's not the people or the duties. It's me.

So I remembered what it felt like the day I got the job offer. I remembered the feelings I had, happy, excited, scared. I remembered doing the paperwork and I remembered my first day at the office. I thought about how quickly the day went by, how much I had learned. I thought about the money I was being paid, which was more than what I had asked for when I'd prayed about a full time job. And I immediately prayed for forgiveness.

I took a piece of paper and started making a list of everything I was grateful for. My family, my job, my health, a running car, a roof over my head, food to eat, money to pay the bills. Everything I could think of. And I could feel the stress from the day fade away.

When I went in to work the next day, I greeted my supervisor with a "Good morning," grabbed my coffee and got to work. I could feel the shift in energy there. And it was a good day.

Every time I get upset about work now I remember that feeling. While this job is not my end all - be all, something I've always wanted to do, I am thankful to have it. I look at that gratitude list and I remember all the things I do have in my life and how wonderful they all are. I watch my language as well. No more thank God it's Friday or Oh, God it's Monday. Remember that your words are powerful.

So the next time you're in a funk, check your gratitude. Make a list of all the things you're thankful for. And let gratitude shift your attitude.

Pray Rain Journal, LOA in dealing with others

It's hard to deal with other people, especially family. It's especially difficult when you're trying to be positive, let go of the past, forgive yourself and other people and others just won't seem to let you do that. I know that I can only control myself. I know that other people are setting up their own vibration, their own mindset. If they want to be negative, if they want to hold on to the past, then I understand that is them. But when it's your son, a person you love with all your heart, it's hard to find peace and understanding.

I have made mistakes as a mother. Every parent feels that way at some point in their life. But all I can do is say I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I am letting it go.

In reading early posts from Good Vibe Blog - I'm in summer 2007 now - it was said to write down a limiting belief. Then write three reasons why it's not true. Since I'd fought with my son the night before, my belief was this:

I'm a bad mother.

But it's not true because:

I love my son.
I have done my best to care for him and provide for him.
I have always encouraged him and said I loved him.

I understand he's going through a hard time right now. I understand he has his own healing to do from our divorce and reconciliation, dealing with his own desires and dreams. But while understanding that I also need respect from him. So that is what I want from this - respect.

So, also based on Good Vibe Blog, I am going to do a few things differently. First, I am going to forgive myself yet again. I am a good mother who loves her son.

Next, I am in the process of writing a pray rain journal about the situation. Jeannette of Good Vibe Blog has written a book about it, you can get it here.

A pray rain journal is just a small journal that you write in once a day about a particular situation. I'm keeping one for work and one for my son. Every day, I'm writing a page and talking about my son as if what I desire has already happened. I'm writing about him showing respect, helping around the house, taking responsibility, being a happy young man again. By the end of the journal you are supposed to see a change in your circumstances and what you want is supposed to have happened or is very close to happening.

And finally my husband and I are going to script our talking about our son. Instead of venting to each other, for the next month we are only going to be speaking postives, talking about the behavior we want to see as if it's already happened.

I am trusting God that he will help us deal constructively with the problem and that he will intervene in whatever way is needed for our son to begin his own healing process. And I pray this will bring us closer as a family.

Wondeful LOA for Business call

I am so glad that Jeannette Maw does free calls as part of her Good Vibe U program. You can find the schedule here:

http://goodvibeblog.com/free-calls/

I can't attend them all, but I was lucky to find this one as part of her new section at Good Vibe U, LOA for Business. Merry Moola was the host for this call.

I got a lot out of the call, stuff that I knew deep down but it was good hearing someone else say similar things that I knew to be true.

Some things that she said that hit me:

Make a list of what having a successful business looks like. Even in doing that, though, it's not the words you use. It's the feeling behind them. Hold on to those beliefs.

Even though it appears that things aren't going your way, it doesn't necessarily mean that's the case.

Own your space - own your business space (To me, that means keep your identity as a business owner even though you may have to do something else right now to pay the bills. For example, I may work in an office now, but that is not me. I am a writer. I am a blogger. That is who I am, not an administrative assistant. Own that, and keep that part of you separate.)

Consider work that you do to pay the bills while building your business a temporary thing. Be clear inside yourself that it's not forever.

Make an intention on how your schedule will be and how it will work out. Create the environment you want for your business.

Let go of speedy. That is attachment. Let go of quickly and easily. She changed her words to happily and easily instead.

Practice if necessary. Practice sales calls, etc.

Affirmations:
Work is easy to find. 
It's all working out in perfect time.
I love my life.
I'm happier.
Things are fabulous and getting better.
I feel good.
I am happy to have so much time even with a successful business.
I have plenty of money.
I am healthy and happy and I feel really, really good.

You may have to do something to earn money to pay the bills, but that will change your attachment to the money. That will release the need for the money, for the business to grow. If it gives you relief from the money stress, that's good. If it gives you more stress, that's bad. So you have to do what feels good to you for your situation. Give up the need for clients, for money. A temporary job can help release that need.

Law of attraction will reflect back to you how you feel about something, how you feel about everything. If you feel stress in your work, then that's what you will get back. If you feel relief, that's what you will get back.

For my question, regarding my husband wanting to become a locksmith and start a business, these were her suggestions.

Take it slow. Look at the industry, look at different options. Get the training done. The longer you sit with an idea the longer the energy has to form around it. Wait and act when it's important to move forward, but go slowly. Build momentum. Talk to each other about how the business will look, who will do what. Practice some scripting, make a list of our ideal locksmith business. Get on the same page with that goal.

Then there was a question about where to start with LOA. She suggested Bob Doyle's Wealth Beyond Reason. 

She stated that we must believe that what we desire will happen. If we say something to ourself and end it with, yeah, she can say that but it's not true, then we need some belief work. We attract what we believe.

Merry's website is Law of Sales Attraction.  I know I'll be spending some time there.

Selling my first story

I have stated before that being a successful writer is my main purpose. That is how I ultimately want to make my living. I determined on this goal after reading Think and Grow Rich. When I read The Secret, however, I understood that I do not have to be tied to just one goal. Of course not. People want different things at different times. But for my livelihood and income, my goal is to be a successful writer.

After reading Connie Domino's Law of Attraction, I wrote an affirmation (or intention) for this year.

Thank you that I have earned $1,000 in writing income by August 31, 2012.

I started writing articles for Yahoo! Contributor Network (under my real name) and I'd written two stories under my pen name. One story did not sell. Two days after I wrote the other story, there was a call for submissions for a new anthology and I knew my new story would fit. This was in May. So I wrote the story at the end of April by inspiration. The first week of May I saw the call for submission for a theme that my story would fit into. See how Law of Attraction was kicking in even though I didn't really ask?

I did not hear back for months, so I was assuming it was a no. I decided to check my pen name's email one day and found an acceptance for my story - it was a week old. That email had actually been sent the day AFTER I wrote my affirmation in August. I just didn't check my email for almost two weeks.

I'm glad I checked it, because it was accepted if I could change the story somewhat. But she had to know soon. By the time I'd checked my email, I only had five days to respond.

I had no problem with changing the plot. The integrity of the story would be the same. I did the rewrite and sent it in the following day. Since then edits have been done and bios have been sent in. Contracts will be going out soon and the book should be published within the next two months.

Now this is not a big New York publisher. This is a small press that publishes erotic romance, which is what I primarily write under my pen name. The money is not great, but it's a step toward my goal of $1,000 this year and eventually $100,000 a year, with the amount increasing annually after that.

I believe this story sold other than the first one because it was inspired. I sat down to write and the words flew. I finished in less than three hours. In comparison, my first story was written due to seeing a call for submissions on a particular topic. While I still believe the story is good and I may do something with it myself later on, I felt that it was written too much like an assignment. Here's the topic, now turn something in. So my second story was much better to me because of the inspiration behind it. I wrote it just for the joy of writing.



I was recently inspired again the other day by a dream I had. I frequently have "story dreams". They're almost like watching a movie. So that is the inspiration for my next story. And I know that when it's ready there will be a desire for it as well. And so I will continue toward my goal of being a successful writer.

I have decided at this point that I will only write by inspiration. That doesn't mean I won't write daily on my work in progress. It means I won't write based on assignments. I won't write based on calls to submission. I will write what I am inspired to write and I will find a publisher who wants it or I will publish it myself. This feels right to me and I know that by doing this I will succeed.

Law of Attraction and money

I'm loving Jeanette's post on the new money math in regards to LOA. You can read it here:

http://goodvibeblog.com/2011/10/money-math-for-deliberate-creators/

Manifesting money is usually one of the first things people want to do when they discover LOA. They want to win a lottery or sell a book or get a raise or hit a jackpot at the casino. And yes, it is possible to manifest money, in both large and small amounts. And thanks to this post, when I paid bills the other day I stated this:

Thank you that money that I put into circulation is returned to me tenfold.

And I wrote that on my white board as well.

When I read Think and Grow Rich, my one true purpose that I wrote was to make a living with writing and earn $100,000 by 2016. I believe that I'm on the way to that figure and I believe that it is going to happen (sold my first short story a month ago). Reading other books, such as Connie Domino's Law of Attraction, has said to state a number and a deadline, which is what I did when reading Think and Grow Rich. Even in The Secret Jack Canfield (of Chicken Soup fame) talked about how he earned his first $100,000 using LOA techniques.

But now that I've seen LOA work in so many ways, I'm wondering if I'm limiting myself. Granted, $100,000 is a lot of money to me. But if I can manifest $200 to pay the bills or even $20 for gas in the car, am I limiting myself to $100,000? Why not $1 million? Why have a number at all? Do I need a number? I know God doesn't need a number. I think the number is more for me, more for my logical brain to be able to comprehend.

In reality, what I want is to live a comfortable life on a solely creative income. I want to be able to spend my days as I please, being creative, whether it's through writing or crafts or some other creative endeavor. But writing is my first love. It's what I've always wanted to do. So that is what I see as my main income and the other stuff will be just icing on my cake. The ability to live a beautiful, creative, enjoyable, abundant life is my true desire. So if that is my desire, then should I limit myself to $100,000 a year? Should I continue with that goal and then when it's reached just let the actual figure go?

I'm thinking I need to let go of an amount and let it happen. What do ya'll think? Is an amount needed for LOA? Or is an amount for us, for our brains to comprehend, and it's not needed at all?

Affirmations, tools, and LOA

Since reading Think and Grow Rich and other Napoleon Hill books, The Secret and Connie Domino's The Law of Attraction, I have used affirmations. But there was a point when I was reading The Good Vibe Blog that I asked myself, am I doing this LOA thing right? And just as quickly I realized, there is no right way. The Law of Attraction just is.

While I don't need an affirmation for something to happen, I do find it helpful - for me - because they help me to remember to speak in positive words instead of negative. Connie Domino's book was very helpful with that. One of her steps is thinking of negative things that are going to come up and turning them around into positive affirmations. And that has helped a lot. Whenever I begin to think about something and it turns negative I use her tips to turn my thinking around.

According to Think and Grow Rich, we're supposed to have one specific purpose to work towards. The book typically is written for those looking for a specific type of work or lifestyle. And I did choose my specific purpose as related to work. I want to make a living as a full time writer. And I focused on that for a while. I even have a goal statement written out and attached to a bulletin board. But while the book says to repeat that statement every day, I stopped doing that a while ago.

Why?

Because I've already put that request out there. I already know that is my dream. I don't have to request it again and again. And at this point in life I'm not going to forget it. So I will glance at that goal statement every now and again, and I will read it, and I will feel happy because I know it's coming true.

I did affirmations for our new house as well. I was reciting the affirmations multiple times a day and I felt wonderful, knowing that the new rental house was on its way. We did get sidetracked at one point as we thought about buying some land that came available, but that fell through. I believe it was for a reason and I'll elaborate more later. But I was affirming the house so often that I had a dream one night about finding a wonderful, beautiful house to rent in our price range. That dream, to me, was an answer, telling me that it was
on the way. And we got it sooner than I'd asked for as well. It's not exactly what I affirmed, but sometimes I believe that the essence of what we ask for is what is granted, not the actual item.

So the final word on affirmations is this - use them or not. If it feels like work, stop using them. The same goes for all types of tools and rituals some LOA coaches want you to do, such as vision boards or writing exercises. Do what feels good to you.

I have a white board in my computer room with ASK, BELIEVE, RECIEVE written at the top. As I think of things that I want in my life - not just physical things - I write on the board. And as I glance at the board and read what I've written I thank God for those things coming into my life.

One example is selling some land. We had some land attached to our previous house that was still in our name. It was only 2 acres and was landlocked. There was no use for anyone to have it except those who
bought our old property or the neighbors. We'd priced it at $5,000 to the person who bought our property and he said he'd get back with us.

Well, during the tornadoes that hit the south in April 2011 the house was damaged and the people didn't even know if they were going to stay or not. I told them that we would sell the property for $1000 if they decided to stay and still wanted it. I didn't hear anything for a month. I wrote this affirmation on the board:

Land sells by September 30, 2011.

I had a specific date because our lease was up in October and we needed the money for moving expenses in October.

The land sold and closed in mid August.

I don't believe that using the white board or any other type of manifesting tools are magical. I think that our words do have power, and for me, writing on the board was a way of clarifying what I wanted to happen. And that's all the tools are to me - a way to clarify. So, again, use affirmations or don't. Use a white board or don't. Use vision boards or don't. Use whatever feels good and right to you. The Law of Attraction is there and it will work. I'm sure that now that you're aware of it you can look back on your life and see times that
it worked and you hadn't done anything. I know that I can. Other times you may want to take inspired action and that is okay too. There is no one way, no "right" way to use the Law of Attraction. It just is.

Jimmy Buffet - living the dream

I am a fan of the Zac Brown band, especially because they typcially produce happy, fun music that makes me want to leave the world behind and live in a van (or RV) or head to the beach and sit in the sun. I have especially enjoyed one of the new songs featuring Jimmy Buffet.



Jimmy Buffet is best known for his music and his persona and music, the way I see it, of beach bum. He has this laid back air about him. To see him in person you would never realize that he's a very successful businessman, owning restaurants and at one point part of a baseball team. He's a writer and actor as well. But still you get the impression of a beach bum. Why?

Because I believe to him all this is not work. He's been able to make a living doing what he loves. And when you're able to earn money doing something you love, it's not work.

Living my perfect life - now

I realized something yesterday morning. I realized that I was living a beautiful and wonderful life. And I am. Yes, there are still dreams I have and things to do. But right now, at this moment, I am living my beautiful life.

This is something I told my sweetie when he asked about coming home. I've always seemed to find a Bible verse that speaks to me. For a long time, it was Hebrews 11:1. Now, though, the verse is from Joel.

Joel 2:25 - I will restore to you the years the locusts have eaten.

I discovered Joel when I read the book After the Locusts by Jan Coleman. The book did speak to me, and I believed without a doubt that if my husband and I were to reconcile that our next 20 years would be wonderful. It would be new life, a new beginning. I knew that God would restore those years to us. But I also knew that even if he had decided not to return that God was faithful. He promises that he will restore the years and I believed him. He told me I would be okay and I believed him. I told my ex husband that I did
want him to come home, that I was claiming that verse from Joel, and we would have a wonderful and beautiful life.

And I realized yesterday that I am living that life. There is no thought about that life being after we buy our land and build the house we always talked about. There is no thought about when I become a successful author. No thought about when I weigh x number of pounds or have long, sleeky, shiny hair. I have, right this moment, everything I've ever wanted and never appreciated.

I have the love of my life back with me.
I have my son, who is everything that was promised to me.
I have my parents, especially my mom, who is a great support and best
friend to me.
I still have my grandparents.
I have a job that pays well and had great benefits.
I sold my first short story and it will be published within the next month.
I live in a beautiful house in the historic district of town.

Yes, we are living that beautiful, wonderful life.

Law of Attraction Awareness

A few months ago my sweetie called after he got off work at 11pm to tell me about these large bugs that were everywhere. They seemed to be trying to fly but couldn't. They were huge, orange and black, and he'd never seen them before. They made a noise like crickets but were large enough to be locusts. He saved a dead one that was laying on his truck to show me. Neither of us had any idea what this bug might be. I'd planned to do an Internet search on the bug but it was late so I waited.

The next day I was getting coffee in the break room at work and noticed the newspaper on the table. I flipped through it and there was an article written by a local county extension agent about periodical cicadas. Apparently they'd gotten a lot of phone calls from people in the area wondering where all these large bugs came from. The description was exactly like the ones he'd found - orange and black with red eyes. They live underground and only surface to mate every 13-17 years. So he'd seen something special that night. I made sure to copy the article to give him later.

Today one of our managers came into the office to ask about an applicant she had interviewed last week. The name wasn't familiar, so the supervisor checked on applications that were still pending. While she did that, the phone rang - it was that very same applicant calling to check on the status of his application.

Last year my son and I wanted to go to Target on Black Friday to get a sandwich maker. They had them on sale on Friday only for $3. We got there early but the shelves were empty. But we still wanted a sandwich maker. About a month later I was at the thrift store and went browsing in the household items. Right there was a sandwich maker. I bought it for $2. Then my mother in law gave us one that she'd had for years and wasn't using, so we then had two!

We moved into a new rental and needed to do our own lawn care. We'd gotten rid of our old mower over two years ago and the previous rental house provided lawn care. So I asked a co-worker who lived nearby if we could borrow hers. She said yes and gave me directions to her house on Wednesday. Her phone started to ring and she said she'd get me her number by Friday. Friday came and we both forgot to exchange numbers. I also left the paper she'd given me with her address on it in my desk drawer. I could only remember a part of her address, her husband's name and the type of car she drove. I was able to verify the street name and get directions using the Internet, but I didn't get a phone number or house number. So sweetie and I started out Saturday morning to find her house. I was hoping there would be a name on the mailbox or the house or I would see her car. But nothing. So we meandered through the neighborhood, noticing houses that we liked, enjoyed finding a lake up the road with homes around it, and I said, well, A knows where we live. She'll realize I don't have her number and she'll come by our house. So we got home and I was preparing to leave for an errand when A and her husband drove up, not even five minutes later. She'd stopped by because she hadn't seen us yet at her house. I explained what happened and sweetie was able to follow them to the house and get the mower while I went out on my errand. 

The blog name

I thought it would be fun to show how the Law of Attraction has worked in other ways in my life. So I thought I would share how I came up with the name for this blog.

I'd been reading a lot of information about LOA and was having fun with it. I was doing a lot of little things and enjoying myself with it. I would play with finding a good parking spot, being able to get out into traffic easily, stopping the rain long enough to get inside. Yes, you can use the Law of Attraction for all of that stuff - and more.

One particular thing I did at the grocery store was notice at the end of my grocery list that I still needed ketchup. I was at the far end of the store, in the frozen food section, and I thought, "I need ketchup."
But I didn't want to walk to the middle of the store again. Well, I turned around the last aisle and right there at the frozen potatoes there was a display of ketchup.

So one day at work I'd had lunch and wanted something sweet. I was telling my sweetie via text that I wanted a cookie. We started talking about what kind of cookies we liked - chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin. We had fun with it. After work my son picked me up. He'd used the car that day to volunteer that day. When I got into the car he handed me a Little Debbie oatmeal cookie. The volunteer coordinator had given him a couple and he brought me and his dad one.

I started laughing and told him about the texts I'd shared with his dad earlier about wanting a cookie. I told my sweetie that I had manifested cookies for us.

Many things have happened in my life similar to the ketchup and cookie incident. A random, fleeting thought would eventually manifest. In the past I didn't even notice. If I did, I said it was coincidence. But I am being more aware now of incidents such as that.  I know now that there is no such thing as coincidence.

Allowing - backstory continued

As you learn more about the Law of Attraction you will learn about allowing. That is the process by which you allow whatever is going to happen to happen. You release your attachment to something, your need for something, and allow it to come to you - or not - whatever it may be. If it comes to you, it will be something wonderful because you wanted it. If not, then that something wasn't meant to be. Something better is coming for you down the road.

I had no idea what allowing was at the time this happened. I just knew I needed some peace. I was desperate, even needy, for my husband to come back to me. I felt torn in pieces. I was doing better, yes, but
there were still so many days when I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I couldn't help it. I was doing my best to be positive, to stay busy. Luckily, I'd gotten a big transcription job that filled my evenings. But I was still filled with regret, disappointment, anger. My emotions were all over the place at times. I couldn't tell you where I was on the emotional scale at this point.

It was May, just after Mother's Day. I'd met with my son and my ex husband for a movie and dinner, but it didn't go well. As much as I'd tried not to cry, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew he was still in contact with the woman he'd had the affair with, even though he said it was over. I'd found some things that led me to believe that he still had feelings for her. The issue was he was still telling me that he had feelings for me. So I was hurting. And this didn't help Mother's Day go well. I was tired. We'd had a fight. Instead of a lovely day together that I wanted, it ended up being very emotional. All I could think about was how we'd all be going in different directions after the night was over. He was also angry at me for going through his things and finding what I'd found. I knew it was wrong of me to do that, but I still didn't feel I could trust him.

I had a sleepless night and the morning didn't start out any better. I cant even remember what we fought about but Monday morning we had a fight via text message. I believe it primarily was about the fact that I had gone through his things, trying to find proof that he was still seeing this woman, not just talking to her. I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor's supervisor had to come in to talk to me. I had to gain some control over my emotions. I had to stop. I had to let go.

I'm not saying it was easy. It was not. And I was still attached. I was still needy. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to come back. But I knew as long as he was still in any kind of contact with the woman he'd been with he could not return. Even as emotional as I was, I was forgiving myself. I was standing up for myself. I was taking back some control over my own life, not just letting things happen to me.

We didn't speak for two days. I admit I kept looking for a text, for a phone call, an email. Something. I had to keep distracting my mind with other things. Work, music, a funny movie, a walk around the block. Anything that would keep my mind off of what he may be doing, who he may be seeing. It was hard not to contact him. But I'd known for a while that I had to let him go just so I could finally heal. I knew that holding on to him, trying to make something that didn't exist anymore work.  And it was hurting me. I had to accept that we were legally divorced and it didn't matter what he said to me. His actions were speaking louder than ever and I admitted to myself that legally I had no say in anything he did.

I'd had enough. I was at work. It was maybe 11 on Wednesday morning and I was about to start filing. I checked my phone once more for a message but there wasn't one. I got up and walked to file cabinet and
told myself to let it go. The drama, the emotional upheaval, all of that was over. I knew that I would be okay. That was something God had been telling me during this time. He told me over and over again that no matter what, with or without my husband in my life, I would be okay. It wasn't until that moment that I truly believed that. I knew, without any doubt, that I would be okay. I would make it. I would make my dreams come true. I would find love again one day. Until then, I would do whatever needed to be done and I would care for our son the best way I could.

I started filing. I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the window. I cracked the window to let in some fresh spring air and take away the chill from the AC. I enjoyed the blooming Christmas cactus on the file cabinet at work. I began to sing to myself - Do I do, yes, I say, Trust in you, Lord all the way.

I thought about things I wanted to do. I thought about my 40th birthday, coming up in July, and the trip to
the beach I'd planned with my mom. And I felt better.

And my phone beeped with a text. And a relationship began to heal.

Law of Attraction Awareness - Affirmation answered

Yes, just that quick :)

Last night my ex husband, my sweetie, asked me to marry him this month. He no longer wanted to wait until April.

We're going to be married in a civil ceremony in Alabama on October 21, then we're going to have a religious ceremony in our home town the following Sunday.

I am definitely in a good vibe today.

Books, music and more - part of the process

I will add to this as time goes on. These are books I read and music I listened to and still listen to today. Everything positive helps.

Bible - Predominantly Psalms but also Joel & Hebrews
Think and Grow Rich - Napoleon Hill
After the Locusts - Jan Coleman
Why you do the Things you do - Timothy E Clinton
Success Through a Positive Mental Attitude - Napoleon Hill
The Secret - Rhonda Byrne
The Power - Rhonda Byrne
Law of Attraction - Connie Domino
Ask and It is Given - Abraham-Hicks
The Law of Attraction - Abraham-Hicks
Wishcraft - Barbara Sher (currently reading)

For the music I Googled "positive music playlist" and got some great ideas for songs. Then I went to Grooveshark where I could stream music for free (stream, not download). I created a playlist and I play that music almost daily, usually when I'm getting ready for work in the morning or cleaning.

Some of the songs did not fit the mood I wanted so I deleted them, but most of them I kept. I also added some of my favorite gospel songs into the mix.

I chose the music I did because I realized that if I went out into my day after listening to a sad country song I would then be sad for the majority of the day. Usually the last song you hear in your car is what will play in your head when you get out. So I stopped playing the radio. When I had to have music I switched to a gospel station. Not contemporary Christian, but gospel with choirs singing Just as I am and How Great Thou Art. It really helped to uplift me. It also helped me fight away bad thoughts and memories. Whenever I would start to think about something that hurt me and I would feel like crying I would sing the chorus to Carman's Do I Do -

Do I do, yes, I say, trust in you, Lord, all the way. Do I do, yes, I
say, trust in you all the way.

That reminded me that God was with me and that no matter what I could trust him.

Here is my playlist from Grooveshark:



Do you have any others I should add?

Positive Thinking - a process

There is always a process to changing your mindset. Just because I had to go through a divorce and life upheaval doesn't mean that you will. You can start right where you are. I'm just describing my process.

So as I'm grieving the loss of my marriage, my son leaving in April to stay with his grandparents, working essentially two jobs - I worked full time as well as kept the part-time transcription work going - I was reading. It seems as though whenever one book would end I would find another.

Sometimes I would read the book all the way through and it would resonate with me. Sometimes I would only read part of it. But everything made an impact on me and the process I was going through.

My goal was to feel better. My goal was to be successful at my dreams, with or without anyone else. I realized that since I was the only one who could control my actions, I was the only one that could make my
dreams come true. For too long I had depended on my husband to make my dreams come true. I had spent money on one thing after another, trying to be self supporting, but in reality it was money he had earned.
Money he had made working six days a week, working overtime just to keep the bills paid while I was working on my dreams. So I set out to find a way to make those dreams happen on my own.

I started out with Think and Grow Rich. This Napoleon Hill book is a classic by most self improvement gurus today. I obtained a lot of nuggets of wisdom in this book, even though it is outdated in many ways regarding the people discussed. But it did a lot in changing my attitude about things. Not just my attitude toward others, but also myself. I wanted to be more positive about everything.

One thing that is hard to accept in this process is that you cause your circumstances. Yes, you do. It doesn't matter who did what. It doesn't matter who hurt you. I knew that I could play the victim and no one would blame me. Maybe you can too. But it was my attitude that would draw these situtations to me. I could look back and see it happening. I would fight with my husband and threaten divorce. And what happened? We eventually divorced. I would fight with my son and want to be left alone. And he left me alone to stay with his
grandparents. I even had a running joke with my son. I'd call him smartass of the year. I even made him a certificate that said that. But I realized the more I studied LOA that I was causing the behavior. I didn't like his smartass behavior, but by calling attention to it, it would continue. So I no longer do that.

I realized that yes, my attitude was to blame. And no one could change it but me. This was something from Think and Grow Rich that hit me so hard about attitude -

You are who you are today because of your attitude with yourself and others.

And the natural ending to that hit me between the eyes - Who I will be TOMORROW is because of my attitude with myself and others. So if I wanted to be a better person tomorrow, I needed to change my
attitude TODAY.

Wow. That was a wake up call.

LOA use with others - and an affirmation

I have heard some say that LOA can be used to control others. Not so. But you can influence others.

I am able to influence my son by keeping a level head and staying in a good mood. I mentioned before that we had a running joke about his smartass talking. I thought that by joking about it, it would end it. But it seemed to get worse. So now it doesn't matter if he's in a bad mood. I refuse to let it get to me. I refuse to argue, I refuse to play the "one up" game with him. I just stay calm. After all, I can only "control" me. Soon, though, after a little while to cool off, he will be okay. But I did stop calling attention to his smartass
remarks. That was giving them too much energy and it wasn't helping our relationship.

I did do this with my sweetie as well on something. I'll call it action X. It bothered me a lot and he could tell something was upsetting me, but I couldn't tell him what it was. So I asked God to intervene. Suddenly stuff started popping up all over relating to action X. When that happened, I knew I could let it go. Something was
happening. God was calling sweetie's attention to action X and I didn't have to. Within a week my sweetie had changed action X to something else and all was right again. But it was exciting to see LOA in action so quickly.

So now there is something else I am asking God for, asking him to use LOA to bring this to my sweetie's mind.

We have been planning to remarry in April of next year. But I would really like to do it now. I feel very good about this decision. We're taking two vacation days together in two weeks. I found out we can get married at the courthouse for $60 with no waiting period. So I am putting a request out there.

Thank you, God, for bringing us together again. You brought us through six months apart and you have kept your promises. Thank you for that. You know our hearts, you know how we feel about each other, and I am
ready. I want to get remarried now. I intend that sweetie will ask me to go to the courthouse and we will be remarried by October 24.

April 2011 - LOA in action

Back in February, when everything exploded, I was only working part time and I was self employed completing transcription at home. I knew I could not make a living on what I was making. I had been looking for full time work since November 2010 and hadn't even had an interview. But I had to do something and soon.

My mother actually found the link to the organization. This was in February. I applied for a position and waited, all while applying for other positions. During this time I was experiencing what LOA teachers
call contrast. I knew what I didn't want and that was helping me know what I did want. So I prayed. I prayed for a full time job making X dollars an hour, 40 hours a week, benefits, etc. Based on contrast from my past, I knew I did not want retail. I did finally get an interview at Home Depot, but it was for a part-time cashier position. In order to take it, I would have had to keep my other part-time job as well, and it paid minimum wage. I didn't know how, but I had to hold out for that office job.

I continued to apply at every business and organization in my area. I applied for city jobs, county jobs, jobs at the local hospital. I had actually completely forgotten about this organization when they called to set up an interview - in April. I had to look up the website again to see what I had applied for. And I was very surprised when I went in for the interview and found out that what I had applied for was not what they wanted me for.I was interviewing for an administrative assistant job, not the job I had applied for.

Apparently my background in office work - even though I'd been self employed or worked for family for the past 10 years - impressed them. The current assistant was being promoted and they needed someone to replace her. I went to the office, I met the supervisor, I met the current assistant. I have no idea what they told
me during that meeting. I knew it was things I had never done as well as things I hadn't done in 10 years. I was full of doubt. Could I do this job? Based on all the LOA teachings that I've read in the past eight months I should not have been accepted. I constantly doubted my ability to do this job. But I persevered, pushed
through the doubt and took the job.

It was everything I'd asked for plus some. It was 40 hours, it was Monday - Friday, they offered benefits, the salary was .50 more than I'd wanted and they had a very generous vacation and sick leave package that started accruing immediately. I didn't have to wait a year to take vacation time or worry about getting sick or my son getting sick and having to be out. Another hindsight view from LOA as well - I'd actually called the place by mistake when applying for food stamps as the number is listed incorrectly online and with directory assistance. So a month before I'd actually talked to my future supervisor, in the office where we would work, and didn't even know it.

The day I got the call that I got the job I was with my ex husband. We were having lunch. I was glad he was with me. He'd wanted me to get a full time job for some time and part of my selfishness was in wanting to be self employed or working part time, allowing him to work the most hours and make the majority of the money. I was glad that he could see that I was not going to back away from my responsibilities.

All the way to work that afternoon, though, I cried. I cried for a future that was gone. The dream we'd had of building a house, buying some land in the country, being self supporting. The dream of the life we were going to build in a new place. All the hopes we'd had of starting over when we'd moved to Alabama the previous year. All of those were gone. And even though I was happy I'd gotten the job I was grieving because he wasn't there - not really - to celebrate the accomplishment with me.

Backstory - Journey Begins

I've shared how I started out with discovering self forgiveness through the book The Love Dare. I also was reading my Bible. Psalms is where everyone needs to go when their world turns upside down. I was
praying constantly, journaling, looking for full time work. But little by little that despair began to dissipate.

It didn't go away overnight. No, there were still crying jags, there were still 3am phone calls to my mom. But as I started to think about how to rebuild my life there were times I knew something was happening. It all started with forgiving myself. Then I reached out to those I had hurt. I apologized where appropriate. I prayed for a lot of things.  Some things I probably shouldn't have prayed for, but when you are moving up and down the emotional scale from despair to anger you pray for some things out of anger. But I know that God knew my heart. And he continued to speak to me during this time.

This was also a time of turmoil for our teenage son. Every time I would see my ex husband or speak to him on the phone I would start crying. I was also dumping frustration, fear and anger on my son. So he told me in April that he was going to spend the summer with my family instead of staying with me. I can't say I blamed him. He needed the break from me and his dad. He left in April to stay with my family an hour and a half away.

During this time my ex and I were talking. The talks were sometimes good, sometimes bad. Even if not a fight, just spending time together was difficult. We had made plans to see certain movies together and it felt just wrong to see them apart. We had always done things as a family. And, yes, there was still a physical aspect to our relationship. But it hurt too much each time we saw each other. I know it hurt me a lot. It felt as though my heart were breaking every time we saw each other, every time I visited his apartment, every time we would do something and then go our separate ways. But every time I did that I believe I did get a little stronger. I was experiencing what LOA teachers call contrast. I was learning what I didn't want and it helped me clarify what I did want.

I did have to stop reading The Love Dare. It got to the point where it hurt too much to continue and I wasn't able to do all the exercises. But I did continue making amends where appropriate and I wanted to think more positively. I wanted to put my energy into something for me, something to help me continue to grow and change. I wanted to be a better person, not because I thought it would help me win back my husband, but because I knew I didn't want to be the woman I'd been for so many years.

I was feeling differently than I'd felt in the past. I had always said that if my husband left me, if we divorced, that I didn't believe I could make it. It would hurt too much. Well, it did hurt. But I was surviving. Not only surviving, but making it through. And if I could survive the loss of a 20 year marriage, what was there to be afraid of? So I continued my learning and growing, reading After the Locusts and Why You Do the Things You Do, sent to me by a friend who'd also gone through a divorce some years back.

Then I decided to finally read Think and Grow Rich. I'd had a copy of the ebook for a while as well as a hard copy of various essays written by Napoleon Hill and his partner, W. Clement Stone. It was also during this time that LOA entered my life, although I had no idea there was a name for it. Some call it the Universe or a Higher Power. But I knew it was God answering my prayers. I believe that this is how God works in my life, in all our lives. He works through the Law of Attraction.

Forgiving Myself

Some of you reading this may wonder why was I taking all the blame. He had the affair. He left. Biblically I was innocent. But I didn't feel innocent. I knew I had disobeyed. For months God had been trying to open my eyes and I was refusing to see what was in front of me. That is what I needed forgiveness for. I needed forgiveness for disobeying God. I needed forgiveness for my actions toward my family, toward my son, and yes, toward my husband. I could not control the choices he made,  his reactions to what I said and did. All I could control was myself. It took some time for me to learn that, but God was patient and gentle with me as he rebuilt my self-esteem. 

I had to forgive myself. I was not going to heal any other way. I was full of regret, full of anger. I kept asking myself why? Why had I not seen evidence of an affair before? Why had I been so selfish, especially that Valentine's Saturday? Why had I not listened to God and bought that book? So that was where I started. I bought a copy of The Love Dare. It didn't matter to me that my husband was no longer living in the house.
I was going to be obedient.

I bought the book, began to read it, and my new life began.

First, it convicted me to my selfishness. I saw myself acting as a child, always wanting my dreams to come true, my desires to be fulfilled. It didn't matter if anyone else got anything as long as I got what I wanted. I was 39 years old. Why was I acting like that? And I realized that I had shut people out of my life. My entire immediate family had done that for many years. The house was messy. We were hoarding cats. We were disorganized. But we had actually begun to turn our lives around, I had thought.

The fall of 2010, when I believe I was starting to wake up, we'd been making some changes. We'd made a difficult decision to give up most of our cats. We knew that there had to be a choice made - us or them. We
could no longer continue caring for ourselves and our pets. We prayed over them and took them to the animal shelter. It was one of the hardest things we'd done. But it was a step towards taking our lives back. As much as we loved them, we could not keep living that way.

We'd started to clean up the house and organize better. It was still crowded, still cluttered. It was a small rental and didn't have a very good layout. But we made it work. So change was happening in a small
way. I had no idea that the world would blow up. But as the small changes grew, it seemed bigger changes were needed to get things truly moving.

So my marriage ended and I was betrayed. I was feeling sorry for myself. And I allowed myself to hurt. Those who have been studying the Law of Attraction for a while would call this despair on the emotional guidance scale. I was at the bottom of that scale. All I could do was work my way up to feeling better.

So I started taking melatonin to help me sleep. I participated at church events and attended a Divorce Care group. I did a second job working from home.

And I read The Love Dare. I started doing the exercises. My eyes opened and it was like God had slapped me upside the head. I apologized to my son. I called my grandmother just to chat. In the past I'd tried to avoid her because I didn't want MY time to be wasted in talking about idle chitchat. I swear she cried when she hung up the phone because all I did was let her talk about herself. Nothing about me, what I was going
through. Just her. And it felt good.

I called my mother-in-law. We had a very honest conversation. I had believed for over 20 years that she hadn't liked me, that I wasn't good enough for her son. We had both been living under a lie for so long. That's the trouble with rumors. You let them grow and soon there is no truth left. 

God was working on me and I was coming to understand myself. I had to take responsibility for my actions. Yes, my husband had hurt me. Yes, I had every right, biblically, to a divorce. I had the right to be angry and upset. But I realized God doesn't see levels of sin. I had sinned, I had disobeyed, and I had to deal with the consequences to MY behavior. But God didn't deal with me in a cruel or unkind way. As I read The
Love Dare I realized that it could apply to relationships of all kinds. I applied it to a relationship with my son. I applied it to my parents. I applied it to my grandparents. I applied it to my brothers. I applied it as much as possible to my ex husband. And over time I applied it to myself.

God sent me many little things along this path to show me that he loved me and that he cared for me, despite my disobedience. I didn't feel worthy of forgiveness. Here are some things he shared:

From Nora Roberts' novel Ever After - (heroine is looking at a lovely necklace in Ireland).
"How much is it?" she asked. "Ten pounds," was the answer. "Oh, it's so lovely. It must be worth so much more," she said. "It is, but then so are you."

I will never leave you nor forsake you. Hebrews 13:5



I will restore to you the years the locust has eaten. Joel 2:25

There were more. I felt loved and comforted, especially at 3:00 am when I couldn't call my mother and wake her yet again. But God was always there. We talked about a lot of things and I never had to worry about waking him up. I let out all my anger, my hurt, my frustration, my desires, all my lost dreams, all the things I missed so much. I gave my ex husband up to him many times. I was finally understanding that I could only control myself, my thoughts and actions. And I understood, finally, that God loved me unconditionally. 

Remember that these verses and thoughts apply to you as well. You are worthy. You are loved. No matter what you've done, you are worthy of forgiveness. As a creation of God, as his child, you are worthy. You don't have to do anything to earn forgiveness. You just need to ask for it.

The leader of the women's group at church played this song for us one night and it touched me in a way no other song has done in a long time. It still means a lot to me. As it played, I sat and cried. I knew without a doubt it was God telling me that he was there and that he loved me.

Law of Attraction Awareness

I think it's interesting that this morning the nursing director at work left me a postcard with a note on it regarding a file I'd left her. The front of the postcard was a dandelion with some of the seeds blowing in the wind - almost exactly the same as my blog design that I chose last night.

Sometimes I think we make LOA too difficult. We don't have to think of things we want ALL the time. We don't need mantras that we repeat a certain number of times. Sometimes it's just a fleeting thought that we have and one day that thought is reality. It's when we are allowing, when we open ourselves to that thought - that's when it happens.

I'll share a little more about some fleeting thoughts I've had that have manifested in my life a bit later. Now that I know about LOA, though, I've paid attention to these things more and realized, oh, yeah, we talked about this, didn't we? As far as I'm concerned, there's no such thing as coincidence any more.

Backstory continued

He'd come home that Saturday in February and I was about to leave to go shopping. He walked right by me and didn't say anything. He looked tired. He looked sad. God told me, go to him. But I didn't. I got upset because he hadn't talked to me. I left to go shopping. While waiting for our son in the game store I called him and asked him why he didn't speak to me when he came home. I was angry about that. I said we'd talk later and finished shopping. Later, our son and I stopped for a sandwich at Subway. I didn't get my husband one. I told my son, if he can't speak to me why should I get him a sandwich? On the way home we passed him driving up the road. I called him. He was going to his mother's home. He'd be back the next day. I felt my heart sink. I asked him to come home. He started crying and said no, he couldn't come home. He told me that night he wanted a divorce.

I hate recounting this story because I hate myself in this situation. I don't like the person I was. If I'd been watching a character in a movie or reading about this person in a book I would have hated her immediately. Well, no wonder her husband left her. She doesn't support him, she doesn't care about him. I felt as if I deserved the hurt and pain because of my disobedience to God.

He moved out at the end of February and into a small apartment closer to his job. I stayed in the rental house we'd moved to the year previously. Finances were very tight. I applied for food stamps. I joined a Divorce Care support group and the sponsoring church paid my rent one month. My home church paid the electric bill for two months. I upped my hours at my part-time job and began looking for a full time job with benefits. I had no choice but to ask for help and turn to the one thing that was constant and true - my faith in God. Although I felt completely undeserving of any type of forgiveness, from God or man, I knew that He was who I needed to turn to. It was too late to stop my marriage from ending, but I could learn from what I had done. I could be a better person in the future.

In my searching, in my desire for forgiveness and healing, God has put many things in my path over the past eight months. And now I truly believe that I can live the life that I want to live.

Backstory

Seven months ago my world turned upside down. My husband of almost 21 years left me Valentine's Day weekend, 2011. I spend the weekend crying. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I didn't see him until Monday night. By Thursday, he'd filed for divorce and we'd signed the papers by the following Monday.

I didn't know which way was up. I felt as though I'd been blindsided. I knew we were having trouble. I'd known since the fall of 2010. I had been ignoring things, not pushing too hard, keeping my worries to myself. I finally suggested we go to counseling. We didn't have a lot of money but our pastor recomended a counselor. We set up an appointment and she was willing to see us and we could pay her later. I thought we were starting to make some progress, but it was clear that something was going to break. After about four counseling visits my husband made the decision to leave.

Two days after we signed the papers I discovered he'd been having an affair. He denied it, even after I found records of phone calls and spoken to a friend of his that he had told me he'd been spending time with. I don't know how long it had been going on. His version is that it lasted three months and was over. I heard that it had been going on almost a year from someone else. I don't know. All I know is that I was hurt all over again. Even though the divorce was going through and papers were signed, I felt betrayed all over again.

I had felt strongly that God had been speaking to me for some time. He'd been trying to wake me up, doing his best to tell me that I needed to do some changing. But I was disobedient. I was downright rude to God. We had watched the movie Fireproof a few months before and God was telling me to buy the book, The Love Dare. I refused. I came up with excuses. We didn't have enough money. Why should I buy it? Why shouldn't he? But I felt I needed to do something, so I looked up online to see if anyone else was following the book and to see what the excercises were. After seeing some of them - greet your spouse every day. Ask your spouse how you can help him / her. Tell your spouse you love them. Buy your spouse something. Again the excuses came. He's the one doing x, y and z. Why should I change? I had become selfish, demanding, and a very ugly person. And I didn't even see it. By the time I did, it was too late.

Welcome!

Welcome to Manifesting Cookies. My plan for this blog is simply to share how I'm changing my life and taking control of my life through my faith in God, positive thinking and the Law of Attraction. I hope
that what I go through day-to-day as well as what I've been through will inspire many of you to do the same.

My next few posts will share my backstory and hopefully catch you up through today.

For privacy reasons, I am keeping my name secret. However, everything I tell you is the truth. This is how I am able to be so open in such a public way.

My username is Bama Girl because I live in Alabama in the southeast US. I am 40 years old. I am divorced, but in a committed relationship. More on that later on. I have a teenage son. My parents and grandparents are still living and visit them as often as possible. I'm the oldest of four children and the only girl, so I tend
to have perfectionist tendencies. I am a writer, a crafter, a reader, and I work a regular 40 hour week job.

Now that you know the facts about me, let me get to know you. Hopefully we'll get to know each other as we continue to journey together.