Monday, October 10, 2011

Allowing - backstory continued

As you learn more about the Law of Attraction you will learn about allowing. That is the process by which you allow whatever is going to happen to happen. You release your attachment to something, your need for something, and allow it to come to you - or not - whatever it may be. If it comes to you, it will be something wonderful because you wanted it. If not, then that something wasn't meant to be. Something better is coming for you down the road.

I had no idea what allowing was at the time this happened. I just knew I needed some peace. I was desperate, even needy, for my husband to come back to me. I felt torn in pieces. I was doing better, yes, but
there were still so many days when I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I couldn't help it. I was doing my best to be positive, to stay busy. Luckily, I'd gotten a big transcription job that filled my evenings. But I was still filled with regret, disappointment, anger. My emotions were all over the place at times. I couldn't tell you where I was on the emotional scale at this point.

It was May, just after Mother's Day. I'd met with my son and my ex husband for a movie and dinner, but it didn't go well. As much as I'd tried not to cry, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew he was still in contact with the woman he'd had the affair with, even though he said it was over. I'd found some things that led me to believe that he still had feelings for her. The issue was he was still telling me that he had feelings for me. So I was hurting. And this didn't help Mother's Day go well. I was tired. We'd had a fight. Instead of a lovely day together that I wanted, it ended up being very emotional. All I could think about was how we'd all be going in different directions after the night was over. He was also angry at me for going through his things and finding what I'd found. I knew it was wrong of me to do that, but I still didn't feel I could trust him.

I had a sleepless night and the morning didn't start out any better. I cant even remember what we fought about but Monday morning we had a fight via text message. I believe it primarily was about the fact that I had gone through his things, trying to find proof that he was still seeing this woman, not just talking to her. I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor's supervisor had to come in to talk to me. I had to gain some control over my emotions. I had to stop. I had to let go.

I'm not saying it was easy. It was not. And I was still attached. I was still needy. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to come back. But I knew as long as he was still in any kind of contact with the woman he'd been with he could not return. Even as emotional as I was, I was forgiving myself. I was standing up for myself. I was taking back some control over my own life, not just letting things happen to me.

We didn't speak for two days. I admit I kept looking for a text, for a phone call, an email. Something. I had to keep distracting my mind with other things. Work, music, a funny movie, a walk around the block. Anything that would keep my mind off of what he may be doing, who he may be seeing. It was hard not to contact him. But I'd known for a while that I had to let him go just so I could finally heal. I knew that holding on to him, trying to make something that didn't exist anymore work.  And it was hurting me. I had to accept that we were legally divorced and it didn't matter what he said to me. His actions were speaking louder than ever and I admitted to myself that legally I had no say in anything he did.

I'd had enough. I was at work. It was maybe 11 on Wednesday morning and I was about to start filing. I checked my phone once more for a message but there wasn't one. I got up and walked to file cabinet and
told myself to let it go. The drama, the emotional upheaval, all of that was over. I knew that I would be okay. That was something God had been telling me during this time. He told me over and over again that no matter what, with or without my husband in my life, I would be okay. It wasn't until that moment that I truly believed that. I knew, without any doubt, that I would be okay. I would make it. I would make my dreams come true. I would find love again one day. Until then, I would do whatever needed to be done and I would care for our son the best way I could.

I started filing. I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the window. I cracked the window to let in some fresh spring air and take away the chill from the AC. I enjoyed the blooming Christmas cactus on the file cabinet at work. I began to sing to myself - Do I do, yes, I say, Trust in you, Lord all the way.

I thought about things I wanted to do. I thought about my 40th birthday, coming up in July, and the trip to
the beach I'd planned with my mom. And I felt better.

And my phone beeped with a text. And a relationship began to heal.

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