Allowing Myself to be Me, Loving Myself Unconditionally

I'm going to be honest. I haven't dealt with my diagnosis well. I've cried about this, prayed with my husband over this. I cried about the loss of hope I felt in the belief that if I was really, really good with diet / exercise and reached my goal weight that MAYBE I would have great looking legs. I'd be able to wear boots and skirts and cute clothes and not be hot in the summer because I'm in jeans when everyone else is in shorts and capris. But today I'm angry. I'm fed up. And I'm free of the hate. My legs are my legs. I'm going to do my part to keep losing weight, but the hate for my legs, the envy I've had of other women who don't have this issue, the embarrassment I've felt over my legs, that's done. I refuse to believe that there isn't a cure for this. I wanted answers -- I got answers. But I don't have to believe the research that's available. There's actually very little research out there, since U.S. doctors have very little data on lipedema. So why should I believe there's no cure, or that I'm going to end up with little mobility as I age? I'm not going to believe it, because my body knows how to cure itself. My body was made perfectly, and it knows what to do. And I don't give a crap what anyone says or thinks about my legs anymore. Now, I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to buy short shorts and flaunt everything. But from this point forward I am going to be comfortable. I'm going to buy some wide legged capris, maybe even splurge on some linen slacks, buy some cute sandals, give myself a pedicure, and I'm going to be comfortable, dang it! I'm going to love my legs. I'm going to pamper them, use my good smelling lotion from Victoria's Secret, keep them shaved and smooth (yes, even in winter, ladies!) give myself a pedicure and paint my nails, use my good body wash. I'm going to love these legs and ask them to forgive me for the 20 years of hate I've felt for them. At this moment in time, I have my health. I have mobility. I am able to exercise, to walk, to run (a little, at least) and go and do and enjoy life. So I'm going to appreciate these legs for as long as they can hold me up. If I truly believe what I've said in the past about taking 100 percent responsibility for my life -- good and bad -- then that means that I have to take 100 percent responsibility for this body. My responsibility for this body is to care for it, love it unconditionally, even though it's only a temporary shell. I CHOSE this body, so I am choosing to care for this body from this moment forward. The Bible says my body is a temple, and I am going to treat it as such. Because I am beautiful, dang it, and I deserve to be healthy and well and whole -- legs and all.

Vacation Week - Living As If

I am taking the first week of July as a vacation week. It's been a long time since I've had the ability to take an entire week off. I've done a few days here and there but that's all.

But this coming week I have the freedom (that's my 'soul' word) to do as I choose. Good thing to remember with Independence Day coming up here in the U.S.

I choose to live this week as if I'm a full-time, successful writer.

In all I say and do, I will act "as if".

How does a successful writer go grocery shopping? How does a successful writer spend time with her family? What does it look like when a successful writer walks her dog?

Yes, I will be writing as well, since successful writers do spent some part of their day writing.

What is great about this exercise is that there is no way to do it wrong. My day, my schedule, my actions may not match those of another successful writer, but that is okay. Because what's important is that I feel as if I am a successful writer. By feeling that way, no matter what I'm doing, I will bring it into my reality.

What will you be acting "as if" this week?

Thinking About The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka

You may have read The Metamorphosis by Kafka in high school or college. I don't know why but something made me think about the story today. Specifically the ending, although the beginning means something too.

If you're not familiar with the story, here is a link so you can read it:
http://www.kafka-franz.com/metamorphosis.htm">

The basic story is that Gregor Samsa wakes up one morning to discover he is now a large bug. He's worried because he's the sole support in the family. It's been causing him a lot of stress. Now he's worried because hey, he's a bug. How is he going to care for his parents and his sister?

How many of us do this to ourselves? We burn out, possibly even getting sick (although hopefully not turning into bugs) because we don't give ourselves the time we need to recharge our batteries. We all need some respite, some vacation, sometimes.

Yes, sometimes things are for a season. Children won't be small forever. Puppies will eventually be house trained and they will stop chewing the furniture.
People will come and go at work, creating their own challenges. But we still need that respite at times. Moms, you need to take advantage of Mother's Day Out programs and weekly babysitters. We need to sometimes put the puppy in its crate while we cry over our chewed shoes. We need to focus on the good things at work, but nothing is wrong with using your vacation days and not checking in at the office.

It's okay to love yourself.

Back into the story now. Gregor's family discovers what happened. They begin taking care of him but they are concerned about money too. What are they going to do? Well, some changes have to take place. The three of them got jobs and they took in two boarders to help pay the bills. While things were a struggle at first - figuring out how to do things they'd always depended on Gregor to do - they eventually started doing well.

While it seemed at first Gregor's change was a bad thing - I'm sure it was to him - the rest of the family finally had to make some changes in themselves. Once Gregor got out of the way and stopped taking responsibility for them, they had to take responsibility for themselves.

There has to come a point in life when we finally say, okay, enough. Some may say it's selfish of us to do this, but we have to say I'm going to live my dream. I'm going to make a choice. That may mean changing in a radical way - moving, quitting a job, getting a divorce, getting married, starting a business, writing a novel during lunch breaks and after dinner. It means doing whatever it takes to live your dreams. That may mean telling someone, no, I'm sorry, I can't do that. And that feels wrong to so many of us. Aren't we supposed to be helpful?

But if we don't love ourselves, if we don't take the time to recharge our own batteries, if we don't do something to love ourselves, what will we become? Do we want to be the dead bug in the storage room or do we want to take the morning off work, enjoy a spring day and find the good in our lives?

We Are Worthy

My son and I were talking this morning about the possibilities before us right now - new jobs, buying a house, replacing my car. And he mentioned that he would like a Corvette one day, if he "deserved" one.

I think it's sad that we have been conditioned to believe that it's wrong to want nice things or even luxurious things, like a fancy sports car or nice house. It's sad because God loves us and wants to give us not only what we need, but also what we want.

Matthew 7:11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

We are worthy, we are deserving, we are ENTITLED simply because we are children of God.

I heard a friend at church once say that she believed that government keeps people from earning a certain amount of money, that it was impossible to get above almost poverty level because "they" kept everyone at that level.

I used to believe that. Maybe you did too. But I hope you are waking up now. I hope you believe now, as I do, that YOU are in control of you. You are in control of your finances, your time, your life. No one
can keep you in bondage without your consent. If you find yourself struggling financially or in any other way, make a decision to break out of whatever rut you are in. Make a decision to change your life, then take inspired action.

If you are having issues with believing that you are worthy to have what you want, here is an exercise to help you stretch your belief.

Every day write the following in a notebook:

I am worthy to have nice things.
I am worthy to earn a comfortable living.

Then dream of whatever you want and write it as well.

I am worthy to (write your dream)

Continue as long as you need.

I am worthy of a nice home.
I am worthy of a loving partner.

Now let's change it a bit.

I deserve a nice home.
I deserve a loving partner.
I deserve to earn a comfortable living.

Keep going, saying I deserve. Because you do. Now, let's change it up a bit more.

I am entitled to a nice home.
I am entitled to a nice car.
I am entitled to a loving partner.
I am entitled to earn a comfortable living.

Keep going. I know it may feel strange to say these things because we have been told from the time we were young that we shouldn't want nice things, it was selfish of us to even ask for nice things. It's time to change that mindset and it's also time to change that mindset in our children. I don't believe that this type of mindset is going to spoil anyone. I believe that by accepting our self-worth and seeing ourselves as worthy of our dreams, seeing ourselves the way God sees us, is the least spoiling thing we can do for us, our families and our communities.

These exercises have helped me learn and grow so much in such a short time. I hope they help you as well.

**Added 2/9/12 Deliberate Blog has posted on this issue too - Deliberate Blog: A Sense of Entitlement. 

2012, looking ahead

I enjoy reading Kim Falconer's blog and her horoscopes since they incorporate the Law of Attraction into astrology. I was interested in two of her posts,  set intentions for the solstice and New Moon, both which included horoscopes for the new year.

Both horoscopes (I'm a Cancer, by the way) mentioned partnership and relationships. Her tip was to start with a relationship with myself. I admit that never thought of that. When I read the horoscope I first thought of my husband and my son, who are my immediate relationships. Then that branched out to my extended family, my in-laws, and the my co-workers. But treating myself well, loving myself, that is an important relationship. Unless I love myself I cannot truly love someone else.

So for this first part of 2012, in regards to relationships, I am going to look at myself. There are some things health wise I need to be doing. I also want to take better care of myself and treat myself to some self-care. These can be simple things, such as time to relax in a bubble bath or spend an afternoon reading. One thing I realized over 2011 is that taking that time to do something YOU want to do is not selfish. It's a very needed period of respite.

I'm not necessarily going to have a "to-do" list, as I don't believe that I need to work that hard. What I need to do is be more open, be more allowing. I have been closed off for a long time and I need to open myself up to the relationships that I already have and welcome more.

Affirmations toward that end:

I am open and welcoming to new friendships and new people in my life.
I am a worthwhile, loveable, successful person because God created me in His perfect image.
You're beautiful -- you are sacred, you are treasured, you are His.

For the next month, I am going to work on loving myself. Every day I am going to take time to do something just for me. I am going to spend money on myself. And the first thing, the most important thing, I will not judge myself or make any negative comment about myself

For my immediate family I am going to start reading the Love Dare again. I stopped last year when it got too difficult to do the assignments - both emotionally and practically. But now we're all under the same roof and I want to have a wonderful relationship with my husband and son.

What are some of your thoughts for the new year? Are you going to follow tips from a horoscope or just follow what you feel led to do on your own?

Pray Rain Journal, LOA in dealing with others

It's hard to deal with other people, especially family. It's especially difficult when you're trying to be positive, let go of the past, forgive yourself and other people and others just won't seem to let you do that. I know that I can only control myself. I know that other people are setting up their own vibration, their own mindset. If they want to be negative, if they want to hold on to the past, then I understand that is them. But when it's your son, a person you love with all your heart, it's hard to find peace and understanding.

I have made mistakes as a mother. Every parent feels that way at some point in their life. But all I can do is say I'm sorry. I'm sorry, and I am letting it go.

In reading early posts from Good Vibe Blog - I'm in summer 2007 now - it was said to write down a limiting belief. Then write three reasons why it's not true. Since I'd fought with my son the night before, my belief was this:

I'm a bad mother.

But it's not true because:

I love my son.
I have done my best to care for him and provide for him.
I have always encouraged him and said I loved him.

I understand he's going through a hard time right now. I understand he has his own healing to do from our divorce and reconciliation, dealing with his own desires and dreams. But while understanding that I also need respect from him. So that is what I want from this - respect.

So, also based on Good Vibe Blog, I am going to do a few things differently. First, I am going to forgive myself yet again. I am a good mother who loves her son.

Next, I am in the process of writing a pray rain journal about the situation. Jeannette of Good Vibe Blog has written a book about it, you can get it here.

A pray rain journal is just a small journal that you write in once a day about a particular situation. I'm keeping one for work and one for my son. Every day, I'm writing a page and talking about my son as if what I desire has already happened. I'm writing about him showing respect, helping around the house, taking responsibility, being a happy young man again. By the end of the journal you are supposed to see a change in your circumstances and what you want is supposed to have happened or is very close to happening.

And finally my husband and I are going to script our talking about our son. Instead of venting to each other, for the next month we are only going to be speaking postives, talking about the behavior we want to see as if it's already happened.

I am trusting God that he will help us deal constructively with the problem and that he will intervene in whatever way is needed for our son to begin his own healing process. And I pray this will bring us closer as a family.