Allowing - backstory continued

As you learn more about the Law of Attraction you will learn about allowing. That is the process by which you allow whatever is going to happen to happen. You release your attachment to something, your need for something, and allow it to come to you - or not - whatever it may be. If it comes to you, it will be something wonderful because you wanted it. If not, then that something wasn't meant to be. Something better is coming for you down the road.

I had no idea what allowing was at the time this happened. I just knew I needed some peace. I was desperate, even needy, for my husband to come back to me. I felt torn in pieces. I was doing better, yes, but
there were still so many days when I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I couldn't help it. I was doing my best to be positive, to stay busy. Luckily, I'd gotten a big transcription job that filled my evenings. But I was still filled with regret, disappointment, anger. My emotions were all over the place at times. I couldn't tell you where I was on the emotional scale at this point.

It was May, just after Mother's Day. I'd met with my son and my ex husband for a movie and dinner, but it didn't go well. As much as I'd tried not to cry, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew he was still in contact with the woman he'd had the affair with, even though he said it was over. I'd found some things that led me to believe that he still had feelings for her. The issue was he was still telling me that he had feelings for me. So I was hurting. And this didn't help Mother's Day go well. I was tired. We'd had a fight. Instead of a lovely day together that I wanted, it ended up being very emotional. All I could think about was how we'd all be going in different directions after the night was over. He was also angry at me for going through his things and finding what I'd found. I knew it was wrong of me to do that, but I still didn't feel I could trust him.

I had a sleepless night and the morning didn't start out any better. I cant even remember what we fought about but Monday morning we had a fight via text message. I believe it primarily was about the fact that I had gone through his things, trying to find proof that he was still seeing this woman, not just talking to her. I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor's supervisor had to come in to talk to me. I had to gain some control over my emotions. I had to stop. I had to let go.

I'm not saying it was easy. It was not. And I was still attached. I was still needy. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to come back. But I knew as long as he was still in any kind of contact with the woman he'd been with he could not return. Even as emotional as I was, I was forgiving myself. I was standing up for myself. I was taking back some control over my own life, not just letting things happen to me.

We didn't speak for two days. I admit I kept looking for a text, for a phone call, an email. Something. I had to keep distracting my mind with other things. Work, music, a funny movie, a walk around the block. Anything that would keep my mind off of what he may be doing, who he may be seeing. It was hard not to contact him. But I'd known for a while that I had to let him go just so I could finally heal. I knew that holding on to him, trying to make something that didn't exist anymore work.  And it was hurting me. I had to accept that we were legally divorced and it didn't matter what he said to me. His actions were speaking louder than ever and I admitted to myself that legally I had no say in anything he did.

I'd had enough. I was at work. It was maybe 11 on Wednesday morning and I was about to start filing. I checked my phone once more for a message but there wasn't one. I got up and walked to file cabinet and
told myself to let it go. The drama, the emotional upheaval, all of that was over. I knew that I would be okay. That was something God had been telling me during this time. He told me over and over again that no matter what, with or without my husband in my life, I would be okay. It wasn't until that moment that I truly believed that. I knew, without any doubt, that I would be okay. I would make it. I would make my dreams come true. I would find love again one day. Until then, I would do whatever needed to be done and I would care for our son the best way I could.

I started filing. I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the window. I cracked the window to let in some fresh spring air and take away the chill from the AC. I enjoyed the blooming Christmas cactus on the file cabinet at work. I began to sing to myself - Do I do, yes, I say, Trust in you, Lord all the way.

I thought about things I wanted to do. I thought about my 40th birthday, coming up in July, and the trip to
the beach I'd planned with my mom. And I felt better.

And my phone beeped with a text. And a relationship began to heal.

Backstory - Journey Begins

I've shared how I started out with discovering self forgiveness through the book The Love Dare. I also was reading my Bible. Psalms is where everyone needs to go when their world turns upside down. I was
praying constantly, journaling, looking for full time work. But little by little that despair began to dissipate.

It didn't go away overnight. No, there were still crying jags, there were still 3am phone calls to my mom. But as I started to think about how to rebuild my life there were times I knew something was happening. It all started with forgiving myself. Then I reached out to those I had hurt. I apologized where appropriate. I prayed for a lot of things.  Some things I probably shouldn't have prayed for, but when you are moving up and down the emotional scale from despair to anger you pray for some things out of anger. But I know that God knew my heart. And he continued to speak to me during this time.

This was also a time of turmoil for our teenage son. Every time I would see my ex husband or speak to him on the phone I would start crying. I was also dumping frustration, fear and anger on my son. So he told me in April that he was going to spend the summer with my family instead of staying with me. I can't say I blamed him. He needed the break from me and his dad. He left in April to stay with my family an hour and a half away.

During this time my ex and I were talking. The talks were sometimes good, sometimes bad. Even if not a fight, just spending time together was difficult. We had made plans to see certain movies together and it felt just wrong to see them apart. We had always done things as a family. And, yes, there was still a physical aspect to our relationship. But it hurt too much each time we saw each other. I know it hurt me a lot. It felt as though my heart were breaking every time we saw each other, every time I visited his apartment, every time we would do something and then go our separate ways. But every time I did that I believe I did get a little stronger. I was experiencing what LOA teachers call contrast. I was learning what I didn't want and it helped me clarify what I did want.

I did have to stop reading The Love Dare. It got to the point where it hurt too much to continue and I wasn't able to do all the exercises. But I did continue making amends where appropriate and I wanted to think more positively. I wanted to put my energy into something for me, something to help me continue to grow and change. I wanted to be a better person, not because I thought it would help me win back my husband, but because I knew I didn't want to be the woman I'd been for so many years.

I was feeling differently than I'd felt in the past. I had always said that if my husband left me, if we divorced, that I didn't believe I could make it. It would hurt too much. Well, it did hurt. But I was surviving. Not only surviving, but making it through. And if I could survive the loss of a 20 year marriage, what was there to be afraid of? So I continued my learning and growing, reading After the Locusts and Why You Do the Things You Do, sent to me by a friend who'd also gone through a divorce some years back.

Then I decided to finally read Think and Grow Rich. I'd had a copy of the ebook for a while as well as a hard copy of various essays written by Napoleon Hill and his partner, W. Clement Stone. It was also during this time that LOA entered my life, although I had no idea there was a name for it. Some call it the Universe or a Higher Power. But I knew it was God answering my prayers. I believe that this is how God works in my life, in all our lives. He works through the Law of Attraction.

Backstory continued

He'd come home that Saturday in February and I was about to leave to go shopping. He walked right by me and didn't say anything. He looked tired. He looked sad. God told me, go to him. But I didn't. I got upset because he hadn't talked to me. I left to go shopping. While waiting for our son in the game store I called him and asked him why he didn't speak to me when he came home. I was angry about that. I said we'd talk later and finished shopping. Later, our son and I stopped for a sandwich at Subway. I didn't get my husband one. I told my son, if he can't speak to me why should I get him a sandwich? On the way home we passed him driving up the road. I called him. He was going to his mother's home. He'd be back the next day. I felt my heart sink. I asked him to come home. He started crying and said no, he couldn't come home. He told me that night he wanted a divorce.

I hate recounting this story because I hate myself in this situation. I don't like the person I was. If I'd been watching a character in a movie or reading about this person in a book I would have hated her immediately. Well, no wonder her husband left her. She doesn't support him, she doesn't care about him. I felt as if I deserved the hurt and pain because of my disobedience to God.

He moved out at the end of February and into a small apartment closer to his job. I stayed in the rental house we'd moved to the year previously. Finances were very tight. I applied for food stamps. I joined a Divorce Care support group and the sponsoring church paid my rent one month. My home church paid the electric bill for two months. I upped my hours at my part-time job and began looking for a full time job with benefits. I had no choice but to ask for help and turn to the one thing that was constant and true - my faith in God. Although I felt completely undeserving of any type of forgiveness, from God or man, I knew that He was who I needed to turn to. It was too late to stop my marriage from ending, but I could learn from what I had done. I could be a better person in the future.

In my searching, in my desire for forgiveness and healing, God has put many things in my path over the past eight months. And now I truly believe that I can live the life that I want to live.

Backstory

Seven months ago my world turned upside down. My husband of almost 21 years left me Valentine's Day weekend, 2011. I spend the weekend crying. I couldn't sleep. I couldn't eat. I didn't see him until Monday night. By Thursday, he'd filed for divorce and we'd signed the papers by the following Monday.

I didn't know which way was up. I felt as though I'd been blindsided. I knew we were having trouble. I'd known since the fall of 2010. I had been ignoring things, not pushing too hard, keeping my worries to myself. I finally suggested we go to counseling. We didn't have a lot of money but our pastor recomended a counselor. We set up an appointment and she was willing to see us and we could pay her later. I thought we were starting to make some progress, but it was clear that something was going to break. After about four counseling visits my husband made the decision to leave.

Two days after we signed the papers I discovered he'd been having an affair. He denied it, even after I found records of phone calls and spoken to a friend of his that he had told me he'd been spending time with. I don't know how long it had been going on. His version is that it lasted three months and was over. I heard that it had been going on almost a year from someone else. I don't know. All I know is that I was hurt all over again. Even though the divorce was going through and papers were signed, I felt betrayed all over again.

I had felt strongly that God had been speaking to me for some time. He'd been trying to wake me up, doing his best to tell me that I needed to do some changing. But I was disobedient. I was downright rude to God. We had watched the movie Fireproof a few months before and God was telling me to buy the book, The Love Dare. I refused. I came up with excuses. We didn't have enough money. Why should I buy it? Why shouldn't he? But I felt I needed to do something, so I looked up online to see if anyone else was following the book and to see what the excercises were. After seeing some of them - greet your spouse every day. Ask your spouse how you can help him / her. Tell your spouse you love them. Buy your spouse something. Again the excuses came. He's the one doing x, y and z. Why should I change? I had become selfish, demanding, and a very ugly person. And I didn't even see it. By the time I did, it was too late.

Welcome!

Welcome to Manifesting Cookies. My plan for this blog is simply to share how I'm changing my life and taking control of my life through my faith in God, positive thinking and the Law of Attraction. I hope
that what I go through day-to-day as well as what I've been through will inspire many of you to do the same.

My next few posts will share my backstory and hopefully catch you up through today.

For privacy reasons, I am keeping my name secret. However, everything I tell you is the truth. This is how I am able to be so open in such a public way.

My username is Bama Girl because I live in Alabama in the southeast US. I am 40 years old. I am divorced, but in a committed relationship. More on that later on. I have a teenage son. My parents and grandparents are still living and visit them as often as possible. I'm the oldest of four children and the only girl, so I tend
to have perfectionist tendencies. I am a writer, a crafter, a reader, and I work a regular 40 hour week job.

Now that you know the facts about me, let me get to know you. Hopefully we'll get to know each other as we continue to journey together.