I've been reading Good Vibe Blog for some time and finally it hit home.
It's the feeling I'm after, nothing else.
It's not the extended travel. It's not the custom built house. It's not being self-employed. It's not being a writer. It's not having a flexible job.
It's what I believe those things will feel like. And if I focus on feeling good now, feeling those feelings now, then I don't have to worry about the how, what, where, when and why. They will all come with time.
It has finally sunken in :)
So where does that leave affirmations, visualizing, my white board, journaling, specific things I do want?
If those things feel good to do, then I will do them. And I will appreciate what I already have and know that other things will come to me at the right time. There is nothing I need to "do" to receive these things except feel good.
What about action? I mean, don't I need to do something to receive something? If I want to earn a living as a writer, I need to write and get something out there, right? Won't that take work and time and commitment?
Well, my first short story that sold was written on inspiration within half an hour. It sold on my first submission. So when inspired to take action, I will do so. This may mean working on something new or something old. It also means, for me, setting aside time each day for projects. The only difference is that whatever I work on that day can't feel like a chore or yet more work to do.
My husband says I have too many projects going right now. I have at least four projects. But I enjoy them all. I don't want to stop working on any of them. And I don't have to. They all make me feel good. And if the attention on the projects has an ebb and flow, that's okay too. It's when I'm trying to work on the projects and get grumpy
and irritable when I need to stop working on them and take a break, and I need to be able to recognize that. Then projects become a chore, then it's time to relax and remember to have fun and feel good.
Thanks, Jeannette and all Good Vibe Blog contributors
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Have you had any kind of breakthrough in your thought or actions recently? Please share in the comments below.
Showing posts with label emotional scale. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotional scale. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Friday, April 27, 2012
Use Your Anger
Too many times those of us who know about the Law of Attraction and positive thinking, especially those who resonate with Abraham Hicks, want to be in the vortex, want to feel good, want to have positive feelings. But when you don't have positive feelings, when you are angry, frustrated, upset, mad as hell - then what do you do?
Use them. Use your emotions. They are part of being human after all. Here are the steps I take to help get through a bad mood and get to the other side.
Name It and Claim It
The best way I've found to get out of a funk about something is to name it and claim it. Get it out there. Accept that you feel angry or frustrated or mad. And don't sugar coat it. Don't say you're "upset" when you're really mad-as-hell furious. Yell it out if you have to. But use those feelings and get to the other side of your bad mood. Use those feelings for positive change.
So name your feelings, out loud. "I am angry. I am frustrated. I am tired of feeling used. I am worn out. I am furious."
Say what you're angry or upset about. Be specific. Say it out loud. "I am tired of doing something and having it never be right. I am tired of not being listened to. I am tired of doing one thing and then having the rules changed on me."
Feel Your Feelings
Take a deep breath and really FEEL your feelings. Allow them to be there and allow yourself to feel them. There is nothing wrong with feeling what you feel. You DO NOT ever have to justify your feelings. You feel how you feel, period.
Determine What You Do Want, Not What You Don't Want
After a few deep breaths, think about what you DO want. You've spelled out what you don't want. You've named your feelings. Now, tell GUS (God, Universe, Spirit) what you do want. "I want to be listened to. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be appreciated. I believe I am doing my best."
Affirmations / Intentions
Say an affirmation - what do you want to actually happen. Because it can and it will. "I want Jack and Jill to listen to me, take my words seriously, and have a conversation where all sides are heard and respected." Finish by taking a few more deep breaths.
Repeat as Needed
Repeat throughout the day, as much as you need to. But if you really want to end your bad mood, your funk, you can't keep repeating it to yourself, your significant other, your best friend or your coworkers. You need to release it. Say your affirmations, breath deep, and release it.
Time Your Complaints
If you MUST let it out, then complain for 15 minutes only. You can do this for yourself or with a person that is compassionate and supportive. But stop at 15 minutes. And don't bring it up again. Doing that will only bring the bad feelings up again and you'll be right back in your mood.
Take Inspired Action
Now you can use that mood for some inspired action. Don't be an idiot, though, and quit your job, cheat on a spouse, file for divorce or yell at your kids. You want to do something positive with that energy, such as:
Fill out a job application somewhere else.
Write the outline to the novel you've always wanted to write.
Write out an email to the person you're mad at and then delete it - or send it to yourself and then delete it.
Go out to dinner.
Real Life - Determining What I Wanted and Inspired Action
Here is a real life example of using emotion to get something better.
Several years ago I took a job as a dishwasher. I did not like the job but it was a job and I needed the money. One day the general manager of the restaurant / club came through and said I was doing a good job, I could be promoted to cook. If that was a promotion, I thought, I don't want it. So that very day I went to the employment office next door - while still in my wet, smelly uniform - and applied for a job at the library down the street.
I got the job.
Moral of the Story
Use your emotions to determine what you really want. Don't hide from them.
Use them. Use your emotions. They are part of being human after all. Here are the steps I take to help get through a bad mood and get to the other side.
Name It and Claim It
The best way I've found to get out of a funk about something is to name it and claim it. Get it out there. Accept that you feel angry or frustrated or mad. And don't sugar coat it. Don't say you're "upset" when you're really mad-as-hell furious. Yell it out if you have to. But use those feelings and get to the other side of your bad mood. Use those feelings for positive change.
So name your feelings, out loud. "I am angry. I am frustrated. I am tired of feeling used. I am worn out. I am furious."
Say what you're angry or upset about. Be specific. Say it out loud. "I am tired of doing something and having it never be right. I am tired of not being listened to. I am tired of doing one thing and then having the rules changed on me."
Feel Your Feelings
Take a deep breath and really FEEL your feelings. Allow them to be there and allow yourself to feel them. There is nothing wrong with feeling what you feel. You DO NOT ever have to justify your feelings. You feel how you feel, period.
Determine What You Do Want, Not What You Don't Want
After a few deep breaths, think about what you DO want. You've spelled out what you don't want. You've named your feelings. Now, tell GUS (God, Universe, Spirit) what you do want. "I want to be listened to. I want to be taken seriously. I want to be appreciated. I believe I am doing my best."
Affirmations / Intentions
Say an affirmation - what do you want to actually happen. Because it can and it will. "I want Jack and Jill to listen to me, take my words seriously, and have a conversation where all sides are heard and respected." Finish by taking a few more deep breaths.
Repeat as Needed
Repeat throughout the day, as much as you need to. But if you really want to end your bad mood, your funk, you can't keep repeating it to yourself, your significant other, your best friend or your coworkers. You need to release it. Say your affirmations, breath deep, and release it.
Time Your Complaints
If you MUST let it out, then complain for 15 minutes only. You can do this for yourself or with a person that is compassionate and supportive. But stop at 15 minutes. And don't bring it up again. Doing that will only bring the bad feelings up again and you'll be right back in your mood.
Take Inspired Action
Now you can use that mood for some inspired action. Don't be an idiot, though, and quit your job, cheat on a spouse, file for divorce or yell at your kids. You want to do something positive with that energy, such as:
Fill out a job application somewhere else.
Write the outline to the novel you've always wanted to write.
Write out an email to the person you're mad at and then delete it - or send it to yourself and then delete it.
Go out to dinner.
Real Life - Determining What I Wanted and Inspired Action
Here is a real life example of using emotion to get something better.
Several years ago I took a job as a dishwasher. I did not like the job but it was a job and I needed the money. One day the general manager of the restaurant / club came through and said I was doing a good job, I could be promoted to cook. If that was a promotion, I thought, I don't want it. So that very day I went to the employment office next door - while still in my wet, smelly uniform - and applied for a job at the library down the street.
I got the job.
Moral of the Story
Use your emotions to determine what you really want. Don't hide from them.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Letting go of a bad mood
Yes, even in Law of Attraction world there will be bad moods. We are human. We cannot escape completely from emotion. After all, our vibration and our manifesting depends on our emotion, our feelings. But holding on to a bad feeling doesn't help us down the road.
As I am in this process right now - what better time to blog about it, right? - these are the steps I'm taking to release the mood.
1. Admit and allow my feelings. Too many times people following LOA will get into a positive thinking mindset and will try to squash any type of bad feeling that comes up. In my opinion, that's a mistake
because it will eventually rear its head again, usually causing things to be much worse. So admit your feelings and allow them.
To do that, I am trying to name my feelings.
Right now, I am frustrated that I could not find my office keys this morning. I am upset knowing that my supervisor is upset with me - I didn't call her - and I'm fairly sure this will be another note in the "secret" file she has in her desk (Yes, I know about the file. No, I did not find it deliberately).
I am angry with my husband because he got frustrated with me for misplacing the keys and he's now bringing up other things he's frustrated with me for. This further angers me because he's bringing up things not related to the main issue - the lost keys.
I am feeling anger, frustration, resentment.
Can I do anything about it?
2. I need to move up the emotional ladder. I've already named my feelings, so I am clarifying what I want -
I want to feel better as I go through the day.
I want to find my keys.
I want issues with my supervisor to be out in the open.
I want issues with my husband to be resolved.
I have named my feelings and allowed myself to experience them. I've been experiencing them pretty much all morning, in fact. And now I'm tired of it. So it's time to stop. I know it's difficult to just stop having a bad feeling, so here is what I did.
3. Inspired Action - This is whatever you can do to pivot your feelings and feel better. You're not looking to jump from the bottom of the emotional scale to the top. You're looking to just feel better. A bit of ho-oponopono helps out with feelings with my husband. This is an Hawaiian mantra that can be repeated, asking for forgiveness.
I LOVE YOU
I AM SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
THANK YOU
I set a couple of intentions.
I intend that my keys will be found tonight.
I intend that the file J has will be brought out and past issues will be resolved soon, in a meeting with a third party.
I intend that any future issues will be handled immediately, without any need for a "secret" file to be kept.
I did a blessings check - what am I thankful for?
4. Release the feelings. Now that I've said the intentions and offered an apology, it's time to let it go. Releasing can be something as making a decision to choose to feel better. It can be doing a couple of yoga moves, such as a sun salutation. It can be as simple as taking a couple of deep breaths. It can be prepaving the next segment of your day. It can be taking a break, getting away from the situation for a moment.
And yes, I am feeling better. And I intend that the rest of my day will go well.
*Note* The keys were found that night in the jacket pocket I had worn the Friday before.
As I am in this process right now - what better time to blog about it, right? - these are the steps I'm taking to release the mood.
1. Admit and allow my feelings. Too many times people following LOA will get into a positive thinking mindset and will try to squash any type of bad feeling that comes up. In my opinion, that's a mistake
because it will eventually rear its head again, usually causing things to be much worse. So admit your feelings and allow them.
To do that, I am trying to name my feelings.
Right now, I am frustrated that I could not find my office keys this morning. I am upset knowing that my supervisor is upset with me - I didn't call her - and I'm fairly sure this will be another note in the "secret" file she has in her desk (Yes, I know about the file. No, I did not find it deliberately).
I am angry with my husband because he got frustrated with me for misplacing the keys and he's now bringing up other things he's frustrated with me for. This further angers me because he's bringing up things not related to the main issue - the lost keys.
I am feeling anger, frustration, resentment.
Can I do anything about it?
2. I need to move up the emotional ladder. I've already named my feelings, so I am clarifying what I want -
I want to feel better as I go through the day.
I want to find my keys.
I want issues with my supervisor to be out in the open.
I want issues with my husband to be resolved.
I have named my feelings and allowed myself to experience them. I've been experiencing them pretty much all morning, in fact. And now I'm tired of it. So it's time to stop. I know it's difficult to just stop having a bad feeling, so here is what I did.
3. Inspired Action - This is whatever you can do to pivot your feelings and feel better. You're not looking to jump from the bottom of the emotional scale to the top. You're looking to just feel better. A bit of ho-oponopono helps out with feelings with my husband. This is an Hawaiian mantra that can be repeated, asking for forgiveness.
I LOVE YOU
I AM SORRY
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
THANK YOU
I set a couple of intentions.
I intend that my keys will be found tonight.
I intend that the file J has will be brought out and past issues will be resolved soon, in a meeting with a third party.
I intend that any future issues will be handled immediately, without any need for a "secret" file to be kept.
I did a blessings check - what am I thankful for?
4. Release the feelings. Now that I've said the intentions and offered an apology, it's time to let it go. Releasing can be something as making a decision to choose to feel better. It can be doing a couple of yoga moves, such as a sun salutation. It can be as simple as taking a couple of deep breaths. It can be prepaving the next segment of your day. It can be taking a break, getting away from the situation for a moment.
And yes, I am feeling better. And I intend that the rest of my day will go well.
*Note* The keys were found that night in the jacket pocket I had worn the Friday before.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
How do I feel?
As I said I'm reading the 4 Hour Work Week. And I'm feeling excited and happy and positive, but I'm also feeling scared. And whenever I feel like this I know I need to back off a little bit. I'm trying to do things differently. And one thing that all LOA people / deliberate creators need to think about is this:
How do I feel.
It's feelings that go along with our creation. Our actions don't really matter. It's the feelings attached to the actions.
So I feel I need to slow down. I don't want to go full steam ahead and spend money and start the whole cycle that was a big part of ruining my marriage up again.
I like that the book is giving rules when it comes to our "muse", which Tim Ferriss calls a business. So I'm going to take the rules to heart and slow down. Nothing says I have to start right now. I also don't need to take my eye off my goal - to be a successful writer. Or my even bigger goal - to live a wonderful, beautiful,
creative life. One that I already feel I am living, even in the context of working at an entry level assistant position at 40 years old. So why change anything?
Because I don't want to work at an entry level assistant position for the next 27 years before I can retire. A big part of my wonderful, beautiful creative life includes having an income that I don't have to be concerned about.
So I'll finish the book. I'll do the research. I'll slow down. And I'll use prayer and faith and LOA to warn me if I'm heading too far off the path.
How do I feel.
It's feelings that go along with our creation. Our actions don't really matter. It's the feelings attached to the actions.
So I feel I need to slow down. I don't want to go full steam ahead and spend money and start the whole cycle that was a big part of ruining my marriage up again.
I like that the book is giving rules when it comes to our "muse", which Tim Ferriss calls a business. So I'm going to take the rules to heart and slow down. Nothing says I have to start right now. I also don't need to take my eye off my goal - to be a successful writer. Or my even bigger goal - to live a wonderful, beautiful,
creative life. One that I already feel I am living, even in the context of working at an entry level assistant position at 40 years old. So why change anything?
Because I don't want to work at an entry level assistant position for the next 27 years before I can retire. A big part of my wonderful, beautiful creative life includes having an income that I don't have to be concerned about.
So I'll finish the book. I'll do the research. I'll slow down. And I'll use prayer and faith and LOA to warn me if I'm heading too far off the path.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Moving up the emotional ladder - feel better
So when you're frustrated, angry, embarrassed, upset or any other number of negative emotions, what can you do in order to get the right energy flowing again?
It's not possible to jump from despair to joy, although I did jump up a lot the night I watched the Secret and made my gratitude list.
Here is Abraham Hicks' list of emotions from the book, Ask and It Is Given. You want to try to be at the top of the list as much as possible.
1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
So right now I'm at about a 10, dealing with issues with a water leak and no one coming to fix it today, trying to get over bronchitis and still having a chronic cough, and I was embarrassed at the hair salon today due to the previously mentioned coughing which caused another embarrassing personal issue. So now I'm feeling frustrated that we have no water, no one came to fix the water as we were told they would, I'm still feeling sick despite taking medicine for a week and two trips to Urgent Care, and I'm feeling embarrassed because of what happened at the salon as well as thinking my new hair color looks silly on me. So how can I feel better?
I have named my feelings. Frustration, embarrassment, feeling silly. I name them and accept them. You should always accept your feelings and admit you have them. You will have feelings, good and bad. So don't be scared of negative emotions during your LOA journey. Accepting them will help you release them sooner.
Then I talk it out. I like to talk it out with God. It's nice to be alone in a car or in your house so no one thinks you're strange. If appropriate, I talk it out with my sweetheart or a friend. But I don't really want them to fix anything or join in a pity party or even do the one up game (You think you had a bad day? Let me tell you about mine!) So I like to talk things up with someone who will listen, let me vent, then say, "Let's watch a funny movie," or "Let's eat some ice cream," and not bring it up again.
So during my little talk with God, the following comes to me about each situation. We're working with the water issues and there's nothing that can be done any further at this point. We have water in plastic tubs, we have some clean dishes and laundry. Most likely we'll turn water on tomorrow to take a hot shower, then turn it off again. But I'm sure the leak will be fixed by Monday. So I'm allowing that I'm irritated, I've done what I can, so there's nothing else to worry about concerning the water.
The Urgent Care doctor said I was getting better, the meds are helping, my lungs are just inflamed from the coughing. So I just need to keep taking my cough medicine, do what I can to control the coughing, and stop thinking about it and giving it energy.
Just before I had the coughing fit at the hair salon, I'd just been thinking how much better I felt, how I hadn't been coughing that much, how much fun I was having there, getting my hair shampooed, cut and colored. Then the attack came, and the more I tried to stop it the worse it got. I coughed for maybe five minutes right in the middle of a busy salon.
So what? That's what I'm say. I will go back there but since it will most likely be about one or two months from now I doubt he'll really remember me. And the people that were there - I'll never see them again, they'll never see me again. So while it was embarrassing in the moment, there's no reason to hold on to that feeling. So I am releasing that feeling and remembering the good feelings. There is nothing like someone else shampooing your hair. Or the feeling of treating yourself. And remember - all money put into circulation is coming back to us tenfold, so don't worry about that. And I supported a local business, not a chain store.
And as far as feeling like the color looks silly, well, I'm sure that's being overshadowed by my feelings of embarrassment. My sweetheart likes it. And I'm sure after a few days it will grow on me and I won't feel that way. It's always difficult when you change something like hair color, especially when you make a dramatic change - I went from brown to blond. And if I don't like it after a while, well, hair grows and color can be changed.
So at this point I am saying what feels better? What feels good to do?
What felt better to me was eating some dinner with my sweetie, where he complimented my hair. I'm getting a Mary Kay makeover done tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. We're going to get our bedroom and living room organized tonight while watching a DVD, so that feels good.
So I'm going to do what feels good, release the other stuff, and get back in alignment. If it comes up again, I'll turn my mental train around, say "So what?" and move on to the next feel good thing.
I hope this can help you do the same.
It's not possible to jump from despair to joy, although I did jump up a lot the night I watched the Secret and made my gratitude list.
Here is Abraham Hicks' list of emotions from the book, Ask and It Is Given. You want to try to be at the top of the list as much as possible.
1. Joy/Appreciation/Empowered/Freedom/Love
2. Passion
3. Enthusiasm/Eagerness/Happiness
4. Positive Expectation/Belief
5. Optimism
6. Hopefulness
7. Contentment
8. Boredom
9. Pessimism
10. Frustration/Irritation/Impatience
11. Overwhelment
12. Disappointment
13. Doubt
14. Worry
15. Blame
16. Discouragement
17. Anger
18. Revenge
19. Hatred/Rage
20. Jealousy
21. Insecurity/Guilt/Unworthiness
22. Fear/Grief/Depression/Despair/Powerlessness
So right now I'm at about a 10, dealing with issues with a water leak and no one coming to fix it today, trying to get over bronchitis and still having a chronic cough, and I was embarrassed at the hair salon today due to the previously mentioned coughing which caused another embarrassing personal issue. So now I'm feeling frustrated that we have no water, no one came to fix the water as we were told they would, I'm still feeling sick despite taking medicine for a week and two trips to Urgent Care, and I'm feeling embarrassed because of what happened at the salon as well as thinking my new hair color looks silly on me. So how can I feel better?
I have named my feelings. Frustration, embarrassment, feeling silly. I name them and accept them. You should always accept your feelings and admit you have them. You will have feelings, good and bad. So don't be scared of negative emotions during your LOA journey. Accepting them will help you release them sooner.
Then I talk it out. I like to talk it out with God. It's nice to be alone in a car or in your house so no one thinks you're strange. If appropriate, I talk it out with my sweetheart or a friend. But I don't really want them to fix anything or join in a pity party or even do the one up game (You think you had a bad day? Let me tell you about mine!) So I like to talk things up with someone who will listen, let me vent, then say, "Let's watch a funny movie," or "Let's eat some ice cream," and not bring it up again.
So during my little talk with God, the following comes to me about each situation. We're working with the water issues and there's nothing that can be done any further at this point. We have water in plastic tubs, we have some clean dishes and laundry. Most likely we'll turn water on tomorrow to take a hot shower, then turn it off again. But I'm sure the leak will be fixed by Monday. So I'm allowing that I'm irritated, I've done what I can, so there's nothing else to worry about concerning the water.
The Urgent Care doctor said I was getting better, the meds are helping, my lungs are just inflamed from the coughing. So I just need to keep taking my cough medicine, do what I can to control the coughing, and stop thinking about it and giving it energy.
Just before I had the coughing fit at the hair salon, I'd just been thinking how much better I felt, how I hadn't been coughing that much, how much fun I was having there, getting my hair shampooed, cut and colored. Then the attack came, and the more I tried to stop it the worse it got. I coughed for maybe five minutes right in the middle of a busy salon.
So what? That's what I'm say. I will go back there but since it will most likely be about one or two months from now I doubt he'll really remember me. And the people that were there - I'll never see them again, they'll never see me again. So while it was embarrassing in the moment, there's no reason to hold on to that feeling. So I am releasing that feeling and remembering the good feelings. There is nothing like someone else shampooing your hair. Or the feeling of treating yourself. And remember - all money put into circulation is coming back to us tenfold, so don't worry about that. And I supported a local business, not a chain store.
And as far as feeling like the color looks silly, well, I'm sure that's being overshadowed by my feelings of embarrassment. My sweetheart likes it. And I'm sure after a few days it will grow on me and I won't feel that way. It's always difficult when you change something like hair color, especially when you make a dramatic change - I went from brown to blond. And if I don't like it after a while, well, hair grows and color can be changed.
So at this point I am saying what feels better? What feels good to do?
What felt better to me was eating some dinner with my sweetie, where he complimented my hair. I'm getting a Mary Kay makeover done tomorrow, so I'm looking forward to that. We're going to get our bedroom and living room organized tonight while watching a DVD, so that feels good.
So I'm going to do what feels good, release the other stuff, and get back in alignment. If it comes up again, I'll turn my mental train around, say "So what?" and move on to the next feel good thing.
I hope this can help you do the same.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Allowing - backstory continued
As you learn more about the Law of Attraction you will learn about allowing. That is the process by which you allow whatever is going to happen to happen. You release your attachment to something, your need for something, and allow it to come to you - or not - whatever it may be. If it comes to you, it will be something wonderful because you wanted it. If not, then that something wasn't meant to be. Something better is coming for you down the road.
I had no idea what allowing was at the time this happened. I just knew I needed some peace. I was desperate, even needy, for my husband to come back to me. I felt torn in pieces. I was doing better, yes, but
there were still so many days when I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I couldn't help it. I was doing my best to be positive, to stay busy. Luckily, I'd gotten a big transcription job that filled my evenings. But I was still filled with regret, disappointment, anger. My emotions were all over the place at times. I couldn't tell you where I was on the emotional scale at this point.
It was May, just after Mother's Day. I'd met with my son and my ex husband for a movie and dinner, but it didn't go well. As much as I'd tried not to cry, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew he was still in contact with the woman he'd had the affair with, even though he said it was over. I'd found some things that led me to believe that he still had feelings for her. The issue was he was still telling me that he had feelings for me. So I was hurting. And this didn't help Mother's Day go well. I was tired. We'd had a fight. Instead of a lovely day together that I wanted, it ended up being very emotional. All I could think about was how we'd all be going in different directions after the night was over. He was also angry at me for going through his things and finding what I'd found. I knew it was wrong of me to do that, but I still didn't feel I could trust him.
I had a sleepless night and the morning didn't start out any better. I cant even remember what we fought about but Monday morning we had a fight via text message. I believe it primarily was about the fact that I had gone through his things, trying to find proof that he was still seeing this woman, not just talking to her. I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor's supervisor had to come in to talk to me. I had to gain some control over my emotions. I had to stop. I had to let go.
I'm not saying it was easy. It was not. And I was still attached. I was still needy. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to come back. But I knew as long as he was still in any kind of contact with the woman he'd been with he could not return. Even as emotional as I was, I was forgiving myself. I was standing up for myself. I was taking back some control over my own life, not just letting things happen to me.
We didn't speak for two days. I admit I kept looking for a text, for a phone call, an email. Something. I had to keep distracting my mind with other things. Work, music, a funny movie, a walk around the block. Anything that would keep my mind off of what he may be doing, who he may be seeing. It was hard not to contact him. But I'd known for a while that I had to let him go just so I could finally heal. I knew that holding on to him, trying to make something that didn't exist anymore work. And it was hurting me. I had to accept that we were legally divorced and it didn't matter what he said to me. His actions were speaking louder than ever and I admitted to myself that legally I had no say in anything he did.
I'd had enough. I was at work. It was maybe 11 on Wednesday morning and I was about to start filing. I checked my phone once more for a message but there wasn't one. I got up and walked to file cabinet and
told myself to let it go. The drama, the emotional upheaval, all of that was over. I knew that I would be okay. That was something God had been telling me during this time. He told me over and over again that no matter what, with or without my husband in my life, I would be okay. It wasn't until that moment that I truly believed that. I knew, without any doubt, that I would be okay. I would make it. I would make my dreams come true. I would find love again one day. Until then, I would do whatever needed to be done and I would care for our son the best way I could.
I started filing. I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the window. I cracked the window to let in some fresh spring air and take away the chill from the AC. I enjoyed the blooming Christmas cactus on the file cabinet at work. I began to sing to myself - Do I do, yes, I say, Trust in you, Lord all the way.
I thought about things I wanted to do. I thought about my 40th birthday, coming up in July, and the trip to
the beach I'd planned with my mom. And I felt better.
And my phone beeped with a text. And a relationship began to heal.
I had no idea what allowing was at the time this happened. I just knew I needed some peace. I was desperate, even needy, for my husband to come back to me. I felt torn in pieces. I was doing better, yes, but
there were still so many days when I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I couldn't help it. I was doing my best to be positive, to stay busy. Luckily, I'd gotten a big transcription job that filled my evenings. But I was still filled with regret, disappointment, anger. My emotions were all over the place at times. I couldn't tell you where I was on the emotional scale at this point.
It was May, just after Mother's Day. I'd met with my son and my ex husband for a movie and dinner, but it didn't go well. As much as I'd tried not to cry, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew he was still in contact with the woman he'd had the affair with, even though he said it was over. I'd found some things that led me to believe that he still had feelings for her. The issue was he was still telling me that he had feelings for me. So I was hurting. And this didn't help Mother's Day go well. I was tired. We'd had a fight. Instead of a lovely day together that I wanted, it ended up being very emotional. All I could think about was how we'd all be going in different directions after the night was over. He was also angry at me for going through his things and finding what I'd found. I knew it was wrong of me to do that, but I still didn't feel I could trust him.
I had a sleepless night and the morning didn't start out any better. I cant even remember what we fought about but Monday morning we had a fight via text message. I believe it primarily was about the fact that I had gone through his things, trying to find proof that he was still seeing this woman, not just talking to her. I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor's supervisor had to come in to talk to me. I had to gain some control over my emotions. I had to stop. I had to let go.
I'm not saying it was easy. It was not. And I was still attached. I was still needy. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to come back. But I knew as long as he was still in any kind of contact with the woman he'd been with he could not return. Even as emotional as I was, I was forgiving myself. I was standing up for myself. I was taking back some control over my own life, not just letting things happen to me.
We didn't speak for two days. I admit I kept looking for a text, for a phone call, an email. Something. I had to keep distracting my mind with other things. Work, music, a funny movie, a walk around the block. Anything that would keep my mind off of what he may be doing, who he may be seeing. It was hard not to contact him. But I'd known for a while that I had to let him go just so I could finally heal. I knew that holding on to him, trying to make something that didn't exist anymore work. And it was hurting me. I had to accept that we were legally divorced and it didn't matter what he said to me. His actions were speaking louder than ever and I admitted to myself that legally I had no say in anything he did.
I'd had enough. I was at work. It was maybe 11 on Wednesday morning and I was about to start filing. I checked my phone once more for a message but there wasn't one. I got up and walked to file cabinet and
told myself to let it go. The drama, the emotional upheaval, all of that was over. I knew that I would be okay. That was something God had been telling me during this time. He told me over and over again that no matter what, with or without my husband in my life, I would be okay. It wasn't until that moment that I truly believed that. I knew, without any doubt, that I would be okay. I would make it. I would make my dreams come true. I would find love again one day. Until then, I would do whatever needed to be done and I would care for our son the best way I could.
I started filing. I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the window. I cracked the window to let in some fresh spring air and take away the chill from the AC. I enjoyed the blooming Christmas cactus on the file cabinet at work. I began to sing to myself - Do I do, yes, I say, Trust in you, Lord all the way.
I thought about things I wanted to do. I thought about my 40th birthday, coming up in July, and the trip to
the beach I'd planned with my mom. And I felt better.
And my phone beeped with a text. And a relationship began to heal.
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