Allowing Myself to be Me, Loving Myself Unconditionally

I'm going to be honest. I haven't dealt with my diagnosis well. I've cried about this, prayed with my husband over this. I cried about the loss of hope I felt in the belief that if I was really, really good with diet / exercise and reached my goal weight that MAYBE I would have great looking legs. I'd be able to wear boots and skirts and cute clothes and not be hot in the summer because I'm in jeans when everyone else is in shorts and capris. But today I'm angry. I'm fed up. And I'm free of the hate. My legs are my legs. I'm going to do my part to keep losing weight, but the hate for my legs, the envy I've had of other women who don't have this issue, the embarrassment I've felt over my legs, that's done. I refuse to believe that there isn't a cure for this. I wanted answers -- I got answers. But I don't have to believe the research that's available. There's actually very little research out there, since U.S. doctors have very little data on lipedema. So why should I believe there's no cure, or that I'm going to end up with little mobility as I age? I'm not going to believe it, because my body knows how to cure itself. My body was made perfectly, and it knows what to do. And I don't give a crap what anyone says or thinks about my legs anymore. Now, I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to buy short shorts and flaunt everything. But from this point forward I am going to be comfortable. I'm going to buy some wide legged capris, maybe even splurge on some linen slacks, buy some cute sandals, give myself a pedicure, and I'm going to be comfortable, dang it! I'm going to love my legs. I'm going to pamper them, use my good smelling lotion from Victoria's Secret, keep them shaved and smooth (yes, even in winter, ladies!) give myself a pedicure and paint my nails, use my good body wash. I'm going to love these legs and ask them to forgive me for the 20 years of hate I've felt for them. At this moment in time, I have my health. I have mobility. I am able to exercise, to walk, to run (a little, at least) and go and do and enjoy life. So I'm going to appreciate these legs for as long as they can hold me up. If I truly believe what I've said in the past about taking 100 percent responsibility for my life -- good and bad -- then that means that I have to take 100 percent responsibility for this body. My responsibility for this body is to care for it, love it unconditionally, even though it's only a temporary shell. I CHOSE this body, so I am choosing to care for this body from this moment forward. The Bible says my body is a temple, and I am going to treat it as such. Because I am beautiful, dang it, and I deserve to be healthy and well and whole -- legs and all.

Resting, Resting

Even with everything that I have learned over the last year about LOA and about myself and all the changes that have been happening, there are still difficulties in life. There are still frustration. There is still disappointment. There are still issues to overcome. The difference, though, is that I am different. I am recognizing patterns in myself that have been formed over the past 40 years, patterns formed at home with family, at school with teachers and classmates, patterns formed with co-workers, patterns formed with my husband and my son. Some patterns can be good and helpful, like a routine. But other patterns can be harmful, and I'm having to face my own limited beliefs and my own behavior within those patterns because that is all that I can control.

There are a lot of techniques learned in the study of LOA-- meditation, vision boards, journaling, affirmations, and probably more that I just haven't learned about yet. But there has to come a time when you just have to stop and believe. Dreams are coming true. Changes are being made. Looking back over time it's easier to see them. Living through the changes, day after day, we are too close to them. We aren't seeing the forest because we're only seeing the trees right in front of us.

During the church service on Mother's Day there was a song that touched this part of me, the part of me that is still trying so hard to do this right, even as I know there is no "right" way to do anything. These are all just tools, all just ways to feel good, to feel better. But sometimes we just need to be in the moment, right now, and stop trying to "make" something happen. Sometimes we just need to believe. Our blessings are here, right now, and more are coming.

The song is Jesus, I am Resting, Resting. The verse follows:

Simply trusting thee, Lord Jesus, I behold the as thou art.
And thy love so pure, so changeless, satisfies my heart.
Satisfies its deepest longings, meets, supplies its every need.
Compasseth me round with blessings, thine is love indeed.

Forgetting the Power

As time has gone on and life is moving day by day, I am forgetting the things that I learned this time last year. I am letting events dictate how I react instead of creating my world and dictating the events.

It is very hard to co-create with someone. I want one thing, they want something else, and yet other people want other things. This is one of the most frustrating things about manifesting and LOA for me. When I have to wait on another person and I spend days affirming -- they will call today. The job is his. This will be our house. Then to continue waiting, waiting, waiting and then finally having to let go. That is very hard. But obviously, we are co-creating with other people. Those other people have meetings, they have dreams and goals and things they want to create as well. So they are paying attention to those things right in front of them and apparently by doing so they are creating a more powerful intention than I am. 

But I am only responsible for me. So I think over the next couple of weeks I'm going to revisit some of the books I've read, I'm going to watch The Secret again and remind myself of the power that I do have. I signed up for the 21 day meditation and I've only done one day. I need to take that time for myself, to get myself in alignment, and feel that peace.