Allowing Myself to be Me, Loving Myself Unconditionally

I'm going to be honest. I haven't dealt with my diagnosis well. I've cried about this, prayed with my husband over this. I cried about the loss of hope I felt in the belief that if I was really, really good with diet / exercise and reached my goal weight that MAYBE I would have great looking legs. I'd be able to wear boots and skirts and cute clothes and not be hot in the summer because I'm in jeans when everyone else is in shorts and capris. But today I'm angry. I'm fed up. And I'm free of the hate. My legs are my legs. I'm going to do my part to keep losing weight, but the hate for my legs, the envy I've had of other women who don't have this issue, the embarrassment I've felt over my legs, that's done. I refuse to believe that there isn't a cure for this. I wanted answers -- I got answers. But I don't have to believe the research that's available. There's actually very little research out there, since U.S. doctors have very little data on lipedema. So why should I believe there's no cure, or that I'm going to end up with little mobility as I age? I'm not going to believe it, because my body knows how to cure itself. My body was made perfectly, and it knows what to do. And I don't give a crap what anyone says or thinks about my legs anymore. Now, I'm not an idiot. I'm not going to buy short shorts and flaunt everything. But from this point forward I am going to be comfortable. I'm going to buy some wide legged capris, maybe even splurge on some linen slacks, buy some cute sandals, give myself a pedicure, and I'm going to be comfortable, dang it! I'm going to love my legs. I'm going to pamper them, use my good smelling lotion from Victoria's Secret, keep them shaved and smooth (yes, even in winter, ladies!) give myself a pedicure and paint my nails, use my good body wash. I'm going to love these legs and ask them to forgive me for the 20 years of hate I've felt for them. At this moment in time, I have my health. I have mobility. I am able to exercise, to walk, to run (a little, at least) and go and do and enjoy life. So I'm going to appreciate these legs for as long as they can hold me up. If I truly believe what I've said in the past about taking 100 percent responsibility for my life -- good and bad -- then that means that I have to take 100 percent responsibility for this body. My responsibility for this body is to care for it, love it unconditionally, even though it's only a temporary shell. I CHOSE this body, so I am choosing to care for this body from this moment forward. The Bible says my body is a temple, and I am going to treat it as such. Because I am beautiful, dang it, and I deserve to be healthy and well and whole -- legs and all.

My $100,000 Check - A Promise to Myself

I don't know if I've written about my $100,000 check before.

When I first read Think and Grow Rich last year, the main point was to have a tangible, set goal for what you wanted to achieve. My goal is to be a successful writer earning $100,000 a year by my 45th birthday. That will be July 16, 2016.

(Yes, I will be 41 on Monday. Happy Birthday to me :) )

I found an image of a blank check online. You can actually find these now on The Secret's website or buy some from TUT as well. But I just used Google Image Search, found a blank check photo and used Paint to edit it.

I made it out to myself, dated it July 16, 2016, and then signed it "Law of Attraction."

Here's a picture:

I carry this with me in my purse. Every now and again when I'm looking for something I'll find it in the side pocket. It reminds me that I'm working toward my dreams and they are coming true.

How are you reminding yourself that your dreams are coming true?

Abraham Hicks on Allowing & Co-Creating

This kind of hit at me based on what I have been feeling and what I posted a couple of days ago. I do believe I need to take the time to be in alignment, even if it's only a few minutes a day. "Allow them, whether they allow me or not." Very powerful.

Forgetting the Power

As time has gone on and life is moving day by day, I am forgetting the things that I learned this time last year. I am letting events dictate how I react instead of creating my world and dictating the events.

It is very hard to co-create with someone. I want one thing, they want something else, and yet other people want other things. This is one of the most frustrating things about manifesting and LOA for me. When I have to wait on another person and I spend days affirming -- they will call today. The job is his. This will be our house. Then to continue waiting, waiting, waiting and then finally having to let go. That is very hard. But obviously, we are co-creating with other people. Those other people have meetings, they have dreams and goals and things they want to create as well. So they are paying attention to those things right in front of them and apparently by doing so they are creating a more powerful intention than I am. 

But I am only responsible for me. So I think over the next couple of weeks I'm going to revisit some of the books I've read, I'm going to watch The Secret again and remind myself of the power that I do have. I signed up for the 21 day meditation and I've only done one day. I need to take that time for myself, to get myself in alignment, and feel that peace.

Allowing - backstory continued

As you learn more about the Law of Attraction you will learn about allowing. That is the process by which you allow whatever is going to happen to happen. You release your attachment to something, your need for something, and allow it to come to you - or not - whatever it may be. If it comes to you, it will be something wonderful because you wanted it. If not, then that something wasn't meant to be. Something better is coming for you down the road.

I had no idea what allowing was at the time this happened. I just knew I needed some peace. I was desperate, even needy, for my husband to come back to me. I felt torn in pieces. I was doing better, yes, but
there were still so many days when I went to the bathroom at work and cried. I couldn't help it. I was doing my best to be positive, to stay busy. Luckily, I'd gotten a big transcription job that filled my evenings. But I was still filled with regret, disappointment, anger. My emotions were all over the place at times. I couldn't tell you where I was on the emotional scale at this point.

It was May, just after Mother's Day. I'd met with my son and my ex husband for a movie and dinner, but it didn't go well. As much as I'd tried not to cry, I couldn't seem to help it. I knew he was still in contact with the woman he'd had the affair with, even though he said it was over. I'd found some things that led me to believe that he still had feelings for her. The issue was he was still telling me that he had feelings for me. So I was hurting. And this didn't help Mother's Day go well. I was tired. We'd had a fight. Instead of a lovely day together that I wanted, it ended up being very emotional. All I could think about was how we'd all be going in different directions after the night was over. He was also angry at me for going through his things and finding what I'd found. I knew it was wrong of me to do that, but I still didn't feel I could trust him.

I had a sleepless night and the morning didn't start out any better. I cant even remember what we fought about but Monday morning we had a fight via text message. I believe it primarily was about the fact that I had gone through his things, trying to find proof that he was still seeing this woman, not just talking to her. I couldn't stop crying. My supervisor's supervisor had to come in to talk to me. I had to gain some control over my emotions. I had to stop. I had to let go.

I'm not saying it was easy. It was not. And I was still attached. I was still needy. I wanted him to want me. I wanted him to want to come back. But I knew as long as he was still in any kind of contact with the woman he'd been with he could not return. Even as emotional as I was, I was forgiving myself. I was standing up for myself. I was taking back some control over my own life, not just letting things happen to me.

We didn't speak for two days. I admit I kept looking for a text, for a phone call, an email. Something. I had to keep distracting my mind with other things. Work, music, a funny movie, a walk around the block. Anything that would keep my mind off of what he may be doing, who he may be seeing. It was hard not to contact him. But I'd known for a while that I had to let him go just so I could finally heal. I knew that holding on to him, trying to make something that didn't exist anymore work.  And it was hurting me. I had to accept that we were legally divorced and it didn't matter what he said to me. His actions were speaking louder than ever and I admitted to myself that legally I had no say in anything he did.

I'd had enough. I was at work. It was maybe 11 on Wednesday morning and I was about to start filing. I checked my phone once more for a message but there wasn't one. I got up and walked to file cabinet and
told myself to let it go. The drama, the emotional upheaval, all of that was over. I knew that I would be okay. That was something God had been telling me during this time. He told me over and over again that no matter what, with or without my husband in my life, I would be okay. It wasn't until that moment that I truly believed that. I knew, without any doubt, that I would be okay. I would make it. I would make my dreams come true. I would find love again one day. Until then, I would do whatever needed to be done and I would care for our son the best way I could.

I started filing. I enjoyed the sunshine coming through the window. I cracked the window to let in some fresh spring air and take away the chill from the AC. I enjoyed the blooming Christmas cactus on the file cabinet at work. I began to sing to myself - Do I do, yes, I say, Trust in you, Lord all the way.

I thought about things I wanted to do. I thought about my 40th birthday, coming up in July, and the trip to
the beach I'd planned with my mom. And I felt better.

And my phone beeped with a text. And a relationship began to heal.