What Will I Believe?

I have lipedema.

I have a rare adipose disorder. This is a fat disorder that is genetic, affects women, has no cure, and many doctors aren't aware of it. It's typically misdiagnosed as lymphodema, which is what I believe my endocrinologist did. But I do believe I have lymphodema in addition to lipedema as one typically leads to the other. Other doctors just keep saying, "You're fat" and want you to diet and exercise and don't believe there could be another reason for large legs.

In a way this is a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing because I have a name for what is wrong with me. I am not just "fat". There is treatment available.

The bad part is that there is no cure. It's been undiagnosed since I was a teenager. Treatment may not be covered by health insurance. Many doctors are unaware of this disease - and it is a disease. I will never have model skinny legs.

Or will I?

Will I believe a diagnosis with no hope of recovery or will I accept a future where I will eventually need a wheelchair or hovearound to get around?

Will I give up my desire to be able to wear normal clothes, like skirts and boots and shorts and capri pants?

At this moment I don't know.

Visualizing my book cover

One of my dreams is to write a novel and have it published by Harlequin. I've been kicking around an idea for years, based on a line in a song, and I knew it was going to be the book. I started writing it and it fell apart - weak characters, trying to write too much to formula. Then I got overwhelmed with life and all the issues from last year and I stopped writing.

But I picked it up again and started over. The words are flowing like water. I have an even better story, stronger characters, and I am enjoying writing it daily. My goal is 1000 words a day. Sometimes I write 2000.

One thing I have been doing lately is visualizing my book cover. The story is about a musician, a performer. I am seeing the red Harlequin cover, the musician facing toward an audience - he's on stage. He's wearing his cowboy hat and has a guitar slung across his back (country singer). There is a hint of a spotlight showing around him. Off to the side, smaller, there is an impression of a full stadium of people there to see him perform.

I don't know what cover I will get, but I know that having that cover in my head will make it more and more real to me the further I get in writing the book.

Maybe you noticed that I'm visualizing a cover, not a sale. That's because I already know that it will sell.

Be confident. Know what you want. Visualize what you want. It will come.

Backstory continued

He'd come home that Saturday in February and I was about to leave to go shopping. He walked right by me and didn't say anything. He looked tired. He looked sad. God told me, go to him. But I didn't. I got upset because he hadn't talked to me. I left to go shopping. While waiting for our son in the game store I called him and asked him why he didn't speak to me when he came home. I was angry about that. I said we'd talk later and finished shopping. Later, our son and I stopped for a sandwich at Subway. I didn't get my husband one. I told my son, if he can't speak to me why should I get him a sandwich? On the way home we passed him driving up the road. I called him. He was going to his mother's home. He'd be back the next day. I felt my heart sink. I asked him to come home. He started crying and said no, he couldn't come home. He told me that night he wanted a divorce.

I hate recounting this story because I hate myself in this situation. I don't like the person I was. If I'd been watching a character in a movie or reading about this person in a book I would have hated her immediately. Well, no wonder her husband left her. She doesn't support him, she doesn't care about him. I felt as if I deserved the hurt and pain because of my disobedience to God.

He moved out at the end of February and into a small apartment closer to his job. I stayed in the rental house we'd moved to the year previously. Finances were very tight. I applied for food stamps. I joined a Divorce Care support group and the sponsoring church paid my rent one month. My home church paid the electric bill for two months. I upped my hours at my part-time job and began looking for a full time job with benefits. I had no choice but to ask for help and turn to the one thing that was constant and true - my faith in God. Although I felt completely undeserving of any type of forgiveness, from God or man, I knew that He was who I needed to turn to. It was too late to stop my marriage from ending, but I could learn from what I had done. I could be a better person in the future.

In my searching, in my desire for forgiveness and healing, God has put many things in my path over the past eight months. And now I truly believe that I can live the life that I want to live.