You are So Beautiful

My husband and I left the pharmacy after picking up my medication,trying to deal with my diagnosis and what may / may not happen in the future. Just as we were leaving the store, this song began to play:

I couldn't keep it in any longer. By the time we reached his truck, I was in tears.

God is good. God is good all the time.

What Will I Believe?

I have lipedema.

I have a rare adipose disorder. This is a fat disorder that is genetic, affects women, has no cure, and many doctors aren't aware of it. It's typically misdiagnosed as lymphodema, which is what I believe my endocrinologist did. But I do believe I have lymphodema in addition to lipedema as one typically leads to the other. Other doctors just keep saying, "You're fat" and want you to diet and exercise and don't believe there could be another reason for large legs.

In a way this is a good thing and a bad thing. It's a good thing because I have a name for what is wrong with me. I am not just "fat". There is treatment available.

The bad part is that there is no cure. It's been undiagnosed since I was a teenager. Treatment may not be covered by health insurance. Many doctors are unaware of this disease - and it is a disease. I will never have model skinny legs.

Or will I?

Will I believe a diagnosis with no hope of recovery or will I accept a future where I will eventually need a wheelchair or hovearound to get around?

Will I give up my desire to be able to wear normal clothes, like skirts and boots and shorts and capri pants?

At this moment I don't know.

How Real Desires are Determined

I love to read over old posts at Good Vibe Blog. There is so much information there.

I came across this comment on one post and it explained a lot of questions I had about how our desires are determined through Law of Attraction, even though some of our desires seem to compete with each other (like my desire to both travel AND build a house.)

On Good Vibe Blog - From: M Kenneth Petruzzi on April 11, 2011 at 6:16 am (Word Vibes)

I think that the term "You manifest what you think about" or "We get what we pay attention to" works conceptually as well as literally. In other words, since the Universe is brilliantly creative, and each of us always has competing desires going on at any given time, the Universe answers all things in a brilliantly creative way that fits within our consensus reality in a way that considers all our desires and energy diversions at any given time, and serves all.

Kenneth goes on to explain a comment that one coach uses in his teachings. The comment is that if we truly became what we constantly thought about, that he would have become a cheerleader in high school.

Kenneth says that while that person may not actually BECOME a cheerleader, that he would definitely have noticed them more than usual, maybe even dated one.

And that is how our desires are met, even what seem to be conflicting desires.

We don't necessarily want something tangible. We want how we think it will make us feel.

A boy thinking about cheerleaders wants to feel good about himself. He wants the attention of a pretty girl. He may have a belief that dating a cheerleader will make him more popular, so that is what he really wants.

I don't necessarily want to live permanently on the road in an RV. What I want is the freedom to explore that choice, the freedom to come and go. That is what I'm really looking for. Freedom to choose where to go, what to see, the excitement of a new place and new experience. But I also want the choice to stay home where things are familiar and have that experience. Ultimately, it all comes down to having the freedom to make my own decisions about how I spend my time.

(Freedom - I think I'm going to call that my 'soul' word. It is really resonating with me)

What are some conflicting desires you may have? Think about what you may really want instead, what feeling you're after.

And while you're doing that, think back to your past where you thought you wanted something in particular but got something different, but just as satisfying.

Like the song says,

You can't always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.

Finding Joy

I loved this article by Jennifer Grey (Dirty Dancing) from Felicity Huffman's website, all about finding her joy.

Baby Steps Into Joy

She discusses about how she'd always had difficulty learning dance combinations, but now says:

"Now, the only the difference is: I DON’T CARE! I want the best shortcut to JOY..."

Like I mentioned in my earlier post, we want to feel good, or at least better. We want to do what makes us happy and fulfilled. That could be dancing, or exercise, or watching a movie or hanging out with a loved one. There has to be something that brings each of us, in our own way, to joy.

There are lots of things for me. Watching Glee, listening to positive music, writing, playing with the dogs, being in nature. All of these things are shortcuts to joy.

I love how she mentions loving to dance when she was younger, but giving it up because she thought she was "too old."

"And if that weren’t enough, I was more attached to my own limiting belief systems about being “too old” or some such crap than I was attached to my own happiness." (Emphasis mine. Sounds like Jennifer may know a little something about LOA)

She recognized her limiting beliefs about her age and abilities. We all have them. We're too young, too old, too fat, too thin, too broke, have no talent, will never succeed, so what's the point? Let's get to the point where we say as well, we don't care. Doing this makes me happy, and I want to be happy.

What are some of your limiting beliefs? How have you overcome them, or have you?